All the Small Things

Moved.......................

2006-08-19T16:25:00.000+10:00

If you see this message then you are very tricky as it has been redirected to Javaira's folly . If you don't get redirected feel free to click the above link and visit me at my new home.

Hot for teacher!

2006-08-18T18:27:00.000+10:00

Lecturers who teach the subjects in engineering are a strange breed. Highly intelligent, with twisted ideas on what is funny. They are passionate about all the stuff other men are interested in but in a whole different way. Sure be obsessed about music, but understand how to best design your audio system to provide the quality sound possible. Fast cars are cool, but make sure you know why they are fast and how to make them faster. Sure sport is good, but are they seeing an athlete proficient with a ball or do they see a whole lot of forces acting on a sphere? They are so rapt up in these things that it would hardly even occur to them that other people wouldn't be, or if they do notice that others go glaze eyed when they start talking particle acceration, they don't care. Confident that it is way more interesting than knowing how to wear pink with confidence. Men should not wear pink, ever!! Anyway I really like these lecturers, especially when they are male. When they are female they either fall into two categories, women I want to be like and women I don't want to be like. As I am studying engineering I don't have many female lecturers, which leave the male lecturers. I have little mini crushes on them. All of them. I wonder what they are like as people. I enjoy their company, as a person in a room with a hundred other people. My tutors are different they are more like pimplely teenagers who are just doing the tutoring for the money and have absolutely no real interest in your learning. I have a soft spot for complex, intelligent, mature, goofy men. Willett has noticed this, not the crush on lecturers part, but the bit where I find mature men attractive. He has decided this is a good thing, because in all likelyhood he will be a goofy old man, who I will have a soft spot for.

Memorial Javaira scholarship and other nonsense.

2006-08-18T17:50:00.000+10:00

learnt stuff, head full. Wonder why almost all scholarships are for young people? Do older people have less to offer? I will have the memorial Javaira scholarship for mature age students, who know what they want and plan to do it for a career, rather than because their Mum said they should. Had fun being a nerd. Willett at another gig, he has a gig once a week at the moment. He has told the band that he will be leaving. Busy, comfortable. Life is very good, and just a tad exciting. Shall do some further Physics tonight as I like it.

Physics

2006-08-17T14:41:00.000+10:00

Apparently to be an engineer, it is expected that you understand physics. At least a bit of high school physics. I remember Physics in year 11 and 12. I remember the most interesting people in the room were all 17 - 18 year old, good looking boys. I wish it had been the teacher, I do, but it wasn't. I remember the teacher, he was the kind old gentle man who told me I could be good at this if I wanted to be and I shouldn't let the boys distract me. So now I am learning stuff I should already know. I blame hormones, because before them I was a very rational person. Stupid adults why do they all end up being right in the end? Blah, I still got the guy and I will get the degree as well. Cake and eat it!!!

Random

2006-08-11T17:18:00.000+10:00

I just want to say.......................... I thought the sunglasses looked good on Ozbhoy. Of course SH thought they didn't, which is why they ended up smashed under Ozbhoy's foot, with SH and Willett laughing, while I stood there stunned. Truly the moment was very random. It is good to have Ozbhoy back. I didn't go the university today, I am very naughty and will be punished with much regret at some point.

Stuff has been happening

2006-08-09T14:06:00.000+10:00

I have new shoes, which I bought online without leaving my house. They arrived 2 days later and are not only great value for money but exactly what I wanted. I am working at keeping up to date with my assignments, but I did get %100 on my first physics thing, so I am feeling good about it all. I have new shoes, specially chosen for getting around university. Willett did not get the dream location. He is philosophical about it. I had a feeling they were tagging us along. Oh well not to bother. I got new shoes were from Rivers. We had a meeting about the business's image, with the image people. It was fun. I have a feeling once we get the logo and stuff together everything will fall into place properly. I should put a picture of my shoes up, but I am wearing them and I am lazy. I got some jeans aswell. Probably other stuff has happened, but I haven't really noticed. In other news it looks like recycled water is going to happen one way or another.

2006-08-05T17:10:00.000+10:00

I had a chance to go out tonight. I kind of wish I had now, as I am quite in the mood for dancing around and laughing. I am proud of Tomas. I can see a hint of who he is going to be as a man and I like it. Now, I never got those people who wore college jumpers, like the Americans do. Except I wouldn't mind getting one of my own. I am just so pleased with myself being a uni student and all. I strongly suspect that it really isn't cool to wear one, what do you reckon? University might be my current challenge but it aint that special. Lots of people go to university and finish, lots of people never go and become great people. For me this is what I am good at, you know the academic stuff, there isn't much else. I think I will get one of those jumpers and be embarrassing proud when I where it. I could wear it to footy games and I could get a footy jumper and wear it to uni. Now I must finish making house clean, and feeding children so I can get on with a very basic C program, I think I have to make it say "hi there". WOW!!!! I like this subject it is revision of stuff I did years ago. It is like watching a film you saw as a child. You can't recollect how it went, but as soon as you sit down to watch it again, it all comes back. I am not feeling quite so smug about physics though. I mentioned my two new friends, the nerds, the lovely smart bright nerds. Who should be doing a lot better than they are at university. Two things going against them, addicted to magic the gathering and private school education. The first is pretty self explanatory, the second means they have no idea how to be active learners. They are used to being spoon fed stuff. It just doesn't happen that way at university. There a great chunks of your course material that you get told about, but not taught. It is up to you to learn it. They know this is a problem, but they still think private schooling is better than public, although couldn't actually explain why, so my opinion is unchanged. I am waiting for a logic reason, before I spend a stupid amount of money on private education for my children.

This is me, I am a middle aged woman.

2006-08-03T18:20:00.000+10:00

When did I get so old? Oh well at least I look like a nice old woman.

Another survey.

2006-08-01T15:55:00.000+10:00

Queenslanders only http://whatthepeoplewant.net/questionnaire-021-water-recycling.asp I would like to see everyone say that they thought recycled water was good, but I think it is important people answer honestly so a true feel for how people are thinking about this issue is shown. Lets hope I am not a minority.

Decisions.

2006-07-30T18:23:00.000+10:00

Another Sunday already, a rather productive one though. Although more time than I wanted was spent trying to find my ring. My ring almost fits and I have these fingers that taper evenly from the base to the tip, no bulging knuckles to hold the thing on. So it wasn't surprising that it fell off during an unexpected tidy of the garden. Willett was not happy with me. He has been nagging me to get it refitted for ages and it was a special ring, aren't they all? The best bit was that we found it. Every so often I get a request for a sister, which I always find very cute. Today Pug was letting me know how he would really like a sister. Of course I very gently explain that a) I cannot control what sex any baby I may have will be and b) I do not want to have any more babies as I have other plans now and babies are work. Good work, but I have done that, now I am trying something different. About a year ago I had a an unexpected pregnancy. I was horrified. Firstly that I let it happen and secondly because there was no way in hell I was going to have it. I never thought I would feel that way and I did feel selfish in the decision. Every pregnancy has enormous potential. Every child is extremely precious, but I felt I had more potential in me to be something other than a mother. I feel my contribution can help lots of people, lots of children. So I put aside the child inside me, quite possibly the sister my boys both want, to pursue a career. Is a career any better than being a mother? No way on earth. To live up to this decision my ambition has to have more meaning than just make money and be secure. I cannot be complacent or change my mind. I made someone else a sacrafice for my own ambition. While I sometimes I explain my driven behaviour to others in terms of what it costs to my family, I very rarely mention this. My children are missing out on new clothes and fun things, because our budget has taken a serious hit when I stopped work. My husband is doing more around the house and has to work at keeping me sane, because of the extra stress, none of them complain though. They are all very proud of me. It does mean that I take this whole thing to be at university and to do well beyond that very seriously. I am sorry, I could have tried to do both, but I didn't want to and in the end that would have been poison. You have to want a child with every ounce of your being, you cannot be wondering what if. My apology is to the unborn child, not to anyone else and I hope that it was in the end the right decision for both of us.

I am going to pimp a website.

2006-07-29T17:43:00.000+10:00

Not something I normally do, but this is probably my most favourite haunt on the internet and they have been doing us an enormous favour of late. http://www.zgeek.com/ is a very fun website, set up by Pirate, who has been very kind by letting us use his vast network. You may remember that we have a survey up for our business and Pirate was more than happy to let us spread the word via his website and for free no less. I know it doesn't sound like much, but part of our plan is to treat the cafe as a proper commercial business venture. Pirate does not have any advertising on his site, but is happy to help promote the things that zgeekers do. Which makes me wonder at what point he will decide that our involvement becomes to much like free advertising. Already we have plans to get some editorial done of the opening, of course only with Pirates express permission, which I think a paid trip to brisbane might be able to get. :) Anyways thanks Pirate and the other zgeekers for helping us get this little(or not so little) project up and running.

WATER.

2006-07-28T21:43:00.000+10:00

Today, I planned what I was going to blog about. WATER. It is a big political issue here at the moment and I was going to write a well reasoned argument as to why recycled water is the best solution to this problem. Except that means I have to go through all the illogical reason why people don't want it. So I will say. We need water. Recycling water gives us water. It is good for a lot of reasons. It is not an expensive option compared to building a damm. It doesn't cause infertility. Yes I can explain why. It is cleaner than the water we drink currently. It can also be used to generate greenhouse gas nuetral energy, which can run the plant and have surplus energy left. (Yes less global warming and reduced water use) It has been thoroughly tested. The other options have huge impacts on our environment, or don't come anywhere near to addressing the problem properly. So please if you are given the option to have a say about recycled water, learn the facts, before you form your opinion and I don't mean take my word for it. If you hear something, find out if it really does apply in this situation, how relevant is it. There I did it. My rant on recycled water.

Lovely.

2006-07-27T21:24:00.000+10:00

So today I got to know some newish friends quite well. My time being monopolised by two young men at university, who enjoyed relating to me everything about their lives including the fun they have playing Warhammer the RPG. They were lovely. They were funny as they are pretty inseparable and like the fact that they aren't like everyone else. I was reminded of Willett and our male friends when we were the same age, except with out the monty python, or perhaps more accurately with less monty python. I had fun. I did not get much study done. SH came over tonight and it was lovely as well. Today has been lovely, perhaps not as productive as it could have been, but it was lovely.

My Personality part 2

2006-07-25T17:17:00.000+10:00

I don't normally do this, but as this is a version of the test I did at university I thought I should. In march I wrote a post about my personality type, but I didn't go much into the detail about what it all meant. So I thought I would do this one, as it is based on the original. Interestingly enough I scored very similar, but I wonder how much that is because I now know what I think I am. Anyway without any further a do, my personality.

Choleric
14 Sanguine, 35 Melancholy, 64 Choleric, 21 Phlegmatic

Hail to you who is Choleric!

The firm control when others ar losing theirs. The cut of decision for foggy minds. The grip of leadership to head us to the good. The willingness to take a chance in a doubtful situation. The confidence to hold true in the face of ridicule. The independence to stand alone and be counted. The road map to life when we've gone astray. The urge to "take arms against a sea of troubles by opposing them."

Here is how you rock:
You are a born leader, strong willed, active, dynamic, decisive, not easily discouraged, unemotional, independent, self-sufficent, confident, with a compulsive need for change & to correct wrongs, and you can run anything. At work you are goal oriented, you see the whole picture, seek practical solutions, quickly move into action, delegate, organize well, insist on production, stimulate activity and thrive on opposition. As a friend, you have less need for friends than other temperments. You'll work for group activity, lead, organize, and you excell in emergencies. You are usually right.

Here is how you suck:
First of all you don't think there is anything wrong with you. You think you are always right, so you can't be wrong. You'll probably think the following aren't even weaknesses. You are impatient, impetuous, inflexible, unsympathetic, bossy, quick tempered, dominating, and too busy. You can't relax, you won't let others relax, you like to argue, you won't give up when you are losing, you won't admit you are wrong, and basically you come on too strong. In the workplace, you have little tolerance for mistakes, you don't compliment others instead you are rude and tactless, you make rash decisions by glossing over details (unless you have a melancholly edge to you), you are manipulative & demanding. As a friend you tend to use people, dominate, decide for others, know everything, think you can do everything better than everyone else, be unapologetic, and be too independent.

But seriously, you are freaking awesome. The rest of us are just irritated that you make us wrong and don't realize that you are annoying us. We love you, we need you. You make EVERYTHING happen and without you we just sit around doing nothing, or planning, or leaping into things and not finishing. All we ask is that you try to understand our personality types and let us be right too. Once you learn and accept how others are different than you, you can more easily get them to do what you want ;-)

Curious about the 4 temperment types?
here are links to the 4 basic results you can get.
Phlegmatic
Choleric
Melancholy
Sanguine

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 99% on Sanguine

You scored higher than 99% on Melancholy

You scored higher than 99% on Choleric

You scored higher than 99% on Phlegmatic

Link: The Personality Plus Profiler Test written by mahdroo on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

I am sure you are all extremely surprised.

2006-07-24T21:29:00.000+10:00

So much to do, so many new things, but this time is easier. I have found out that several (most) of my friends have gotten similar marks to me. Which leaves us wondering if we are just a smart bunch or more people get High Distinctions than we first thought. Hopefully we are just a smart bunch attracted to each other because of our dedication to learning. (cough, choke) Perhaps not. Anyway I have done a pile of things today, but mostly to boring to blog about. Physics is more geeky than my other Engineering subjects. Text books are bloody heavy. I have sorted my Wednesday problem, by putting in a special request. I am most impressed that not only did it work, but I got my preferred option. I have things to learn already, but my head hurts, so I will start that tomorrow night. I have been thinking about an old flame lately. A guy at university reminds me of him a lot. Similar perspective on life, similar looks, similar interests, so when I am around him I am strangely attracted to him and at the same time slightly replused. Poor guy, I am sure he must get the most confusing message from me. Of course he is a good friend and should not be tainted by old memories, but some things are hard to control. Flame is such an apt turn, flames tend to fade faster the hotter they burn. It is true for this case particularly. Bugger it, I should admit it was true for most of my previous affairs. I am hopeless.

Fascinating survey...................

2006-07-23T23:21:00.000+10:00

Perhaps not, but it will help us with gathering market research for the business so if you have a spare 10 minutes or so and feel inclined go here and do our survey. http://www.imagesubstation.com/afkques/

Football or Dancing?

2006-07-23T23:12:00.000+10:00

Tomas is meant to be playing Aussie Rules Football, but he seems to be doing some strange and primitive dance.

Sunday.

2006-07-23T22:41:00.000+10:00

Sunday, I like Sundays, I used to love them, but now they are more of just a like day. I finished reading Terry Goodkind's "Stone of Tears" a very fun book, but I needed to finish it today as tomorrow I return to university and don't want any distractions. That sounds a bit tough, but if you know what I am like when I get engrossed in a book, you would understand. So I did that. I also cleaned the house, also a good thing to have done before tomorrow. I rang my sister, not a good conversation. Sometimes it feels like every conversation I have with her is a fight, which isn't true. I am not saying she is to blame, she isn't it is just like its inevitable. I rang my Dad and told him about Willetts project. He was very encouraging and positive. Absolutley full of good ideas. I think my Dad might understand the power his approval can have in helping me with confidence, not that I was worried, but it was good to hear him say good things. I missed my pregnant friend back home who according to my brother is looking rather large now and must be due any minute. Of course what he doesn't understand is that she is tiny and looks like she will pop very early on, but I still wish I was there to tease her good naturedly. The idea of her looking like over blown balloon makes me smile. I coloured my timetable in flourescent colours and colour coded the campus map. Well I have to admit that sounds incredibly anal. I also filed all my subjects from last semester, which I should have done ages ago. I caught up on some blogs, Ozboy made me laugh and blush. I sometimes wonder about who I am. Sometimes I feel so very hard and less soft and squishy to who I once was. I am blaming hormones. Perhaps it is menopause. I have pics of Tomas playing footy which I will add soon. Night all, a new scarey semester starts tomorrow and I am afraid that it will all be a bit too high level for me and finally I will be found out as the intruder that I am. Stupid concerns, why for the love of me do I not now have confidence? I got a High Distinction, remember! I got 2!! Nope didn't help. It would be much easier if I didn't have emotions at all.

I like to worry.

2006-07-20T11:10:00.000+10:00

I have been worrying a lot lately. Mostly about the world, I cannot help but feel that politically, environmentally, economically the world is in a pressure cooker. Which leaves us two options, turn off the heat or let it all boil over. Of course I am not sure why I bother worrying about it all. There is little I can do. I will stay informed because if there is ever a chance, a moment, where I can help, I want to understand that I can and how I can. Still the world is a frustrating place at the moment and I am angry at its leaders for being such pussy footed nancies. That doesn't mean I think they should be bombing the bejesus out of someplace. That means I wish they would make the hard decisions, the ones that are unpopular, the ones that will actually make a difference. Low water supply, oil demand out stripping supply, erosion of individual rights, global warming, Nuclear waste, Nuclear weapon prolification, war, jeez all these things are like the plot of some apocalyptic science fiction novel. None of these things are new ideas, none of these things were unexpected, yet forever we are told that things will never get too bad, too out of hand, there is no need to panic. Of course there was a need to do something, yet, for some reason people need an emotion as strong as fear to make change happen. Otherwise people don't want to stop doing as they are doing. I know this because if it was enough to be rationale and say well it is pretty obvious that the world needs to change the way it works radically, or we will run short on resources, etc, wouldn't we have done something 10 years ago, or even 20? Instead very little was done and too many of those scary predictions I heard when I was growing up are coming true. Seriously would you have believed that water supply would be a major political issue in most states 10 years ago? Would you believe we live in a country where letting your kids run around under the sprinkler is an fineable offense, that comes with a social stigma? 10 years ago we could have changed so much. I would have voted for the government who made us drink recycled water. "Vote" that is the problem. Our society is too comfortable to make democracy work properly. No one really cares what the governments do as long as it doesn't make them uncomfortable. I am the same, I resist change. I look to china and its booming economy. I see a government with the power to do what they think is right no matter what the people think. Perhaps they have the edge over our country, perhaps they are the only country with the power to ride this out. You see they don't really care if people are uncomfortable, so they can make choices our government would never make. Most of the time I am glad about this, but sometimes I wonder about how much it strangles us, prevents us from doing what really needs to be done. So many thoughts, so much to worry about, nothing I can do. I was glad for the unexpected problem in my timetable, I was glad for a task that I can work on. Something that I can worry at, but find a resolution. Something I can fix. This is what comes from too much navel gazing. If you look inwards enough it turns you out. I want to hold everyone. I want to cry for the people who die because there is no food for them. I want to punish those who pick up weapons against each other, teach them to grow up. I want to show people why we must change, show them why it is bad. I guess now is like every other time, opportunities are there for great things and for bad. Tomorrow will be another day and something will happen. I may like it, I may not, not much I can do. I am going to stop worrying about this now. I like to worry, but I like it better when that actually has a point to it, like when I worry over how on earth I will deal with having a lab on Wednesdays.

Brief laspse in navel gazing

2006-07-19T20:18:00.000+10:00

Today, I was busy. I folded several baskets of clothing, my most loathed job, put them away, washed some more and went to university for lunch. I have been walking a lot lately and today I felt the effects of that exercise as I walked into university, around the lake and back to the car. Now I had Pug with me and thought he would tire first, but that was not the case. Instead we spent an hour weaving in gardens next to lakes discovering new hidey holes and discussing the habits of the animals, no not the university students, actual animals. It was nice to be back, although things don't start till next week. In fact it was great to be a university student, with out any deadlines looming or theories to be learnt. There were many students who must have been graduating today. Wandering around in their gowns and goofy hats. I am most definately doing that, wearing a gown and a goofy hat. I like tradition, I think a ceremony like that will be exactly the sort of thing I would like to mark my accomplishment, otherwise it will just fade as just another job done, like folding the washing. My father sent me a card, which I received today, congratulating me on my results. It also contained money for a night out. I do believe he thinks I won't have done something to celebrate. He would be right. I am still tempted to just buy some new sneakers so I can continue all my walking. I am seriously looking forward to this next semester. My subjects will be Physics, linear algebra, calculus and systems engineering. I hope I can manage all 4, because I want to learn all 4 subjects. Only 5 more days to go.

tetchy

2006-07-18T17:18:00.000+10:00

I am not sure how you spell it, but I am feeling a might tetchy. Oh and there is something sad to be said about blogging so you have something to read. Sad and narcissistic.

I am quite odd

2006-07-18T11:18:00.000+10:00

I just ran up to my local shop to grab some tea bags as I had run out of herbal tea. My local shop is great, it is open quite late and on Sundays and stocks all of life's necessities, including herbal tea. It is run by an Indian, so we have nicknamed the place Apu's. Well I go in there a lot. So we talk a bit about the weather and what we have planned for the weekend and at the end I say something like "have a great day" or "See you next time", but after while these started to sound a bit stale so I would say things like "don't work to hard" or "take care" because I was worried that he works too hard. Ok I admit a little odd. So I stopped saying that, but rather than go back to safe ground what did I say today? I said "I hope you make lots of money"!!!???!!! What sort of thing is that? What on earth was I thinking? Well actually I know what I was thinking. I thinking how nice it was to have a shop within 2 minutes walk of my house that was open at all practical hours. I was thinking that I hoped that it didn't go the way as a lot of the local shops back home, which had to close because, they didn't make money, but still............... He looked bemused, I am pretty sure that was the look on his face as I left. Of course it took me a full minute to realise what an odd thing I had just said. I really am odd. I know I am. I had better get old and rich fast because otherwise I am just plain mad, rather than eccentric.

2006-07-18T10:34:00.000+10:00

I guess part of being gracious means not being so hard on myself. Last night I was spouting on about when I am rich, which of course is a certainty now that Willett is going into business. Or should I say when we are rich, because we were hanging out with the partners wife, how I might splurge a little and shop somewhere posh like Myer or David Jones, but if I ever take a trip to Paris for a week of shopping could someone host an intervention. I really don't mind other people enjoying the money, especially Willett as I think he has earned it, but why not me? I can see him in a luxury vehicle, while I proudly sport some mid range car and I will be proud. I will have a nice house, but nothing ostentatious. While I will happily put my kids in nice clothes and expose them to great opportunities, I would have trouble doing the same for myself. I want children to stop dying of starvation, I want money to be invested into sustainable energy. I want these things more than I want a fancy car, or designer dresses. I strongly believe money should be spent sensibly, I also know that while having money is sweet the more you have the more you have to think about the way you spend it. In truth it would be odd for me to be married to a rich man. I would buy nice things for myself, I would, but it would be hard for me. I don't know how I will feel if he is truly financially successful. I do hope he is, but he isn't doing this for the money. I am not supporting him in this for the money, although it would be awesome if he is. We both have a belief that this project is something that will meet the requirements of a community. A community that uses technology to communicate, from blogs, msn, games, mobile phones, email which is pretty much everyone. So we both wonder why no one has done anything like this yet and we wished someone would. Finally it seemed we had to be the ones to do it. So as the ball rolls on towards the inevitable, I wonder what it might be like on the other side of the financial barrier. You know one of those people who has more money than they need to meet all of life's comforts. My answer is to be horrible snobby bitty who won't spend a cent on herself, because she is too busy giving it all to charity. Which of course means I can sneer at all those superficial people. /sigh I do not think I am cut out for being extremely wealthy, perhaps it is lucky there is very little chance of that happening.

Death of the Midnight Marauder

2006-07-17T21:59:00.000+10:00

When we moved to this house, or I guess to any house it takes me awhile to get used to the noises. Here there is the busy road out front, but worse than that is the Midnight Marauders. For months I would wake at night convinced the noises I could hear were due to robbers coming to steal away my valuables or at least practice a bit of mindless vandalism. Finally I would go back to sleep after getting up and checking everything. I started to get used to the Midnight attacks. The culprits would sometimes peer at us with bright eyes if we sat up late on the deck, wondering what sort of goodies we might leave out tonight. They pad across our roof and rummage through our leaves, but they were here first and I didn't really mind the company. Today was the end perhaps though of my interrupted sleep. Today a sad thing happened. Today Jamie, my old dog started barking furiously at a pile of leaves, a pile of leaves I have been meaning to rake up, but never the less a harmless pile of leaves. My curiousity was piqued, as did Eddie's, I though had a lovely ray of sunshine, a glass of lemonade and a book to enjoy and had no plans on leaving any of it for the demented rantings of an old dog. Eddie though is up for anything. He ran straight down the stairs to confront the pile of leaves and rapidly changed his mind. His hackles raised he backed away from them. I was a little worried, what on earth could have scared him? Fearing the worse I round up both my dogs, suspecting some nasty mean snake. Now I am not particularly brave, but it did occur to me that it may not be a snake, but rather some helpless cute native animal. So readying myself for the attack of the snake I investigate the pile of leaves. In the pile of leaves was an incredibly cute possum, one of our midnight marauders. Oh! The possum did not look quite right, but the only real clue was the bit of blood on its nose. Oh! (I now realise that Eddie is indeed a very cowardly creature and I should not rely on him to save me from anything bigger than perhaps a mouse.) Bugger! Well, I ring my local vet and find out what is the best thing to do, quite confident the poor creature wasn't going anywhere. With some reassuring words from the vet that I wouldn't get attacked by the wild beast, I become Javaira the possum catcher. With my handy towel and a cardboard box I catch myself a rather docile possum. It made an attempt to get away though and I felt hopeful that it might just be a scratch on the nose and not some horrid internal injury. With the box under one arm, I head to my car and then drop the possum off at the vets. Later that day the vet calls to see if I want my towels back, well sure, that would be swell, but how is my nocturnal neighbour? The answer was not so good, they decided that the Midnight Marauder was in a bad state and they had done the humane thing. They put it to sleep. So no more Marauding for our friend. I am a little sad and I hope its family does not miss it too much. There have been a few deaths of native animals in my backyard. It is very sad. Before we moved in, there was an empty block next to us, which now houses a bigish block of apartments. I think the block was home to a few animals, who now take shelter in my bushy garden. Unfortunately that garden is patrolled by two hounds, which have felt it their duty to keep the perimeter clear of any unapproved animals. The vet did say it looked like the possum had been hit by a car, which is good, because I don't really like the idea of my dogs killing helpless possums. Still I would not be surprised if Jamie was responsible. We need to remember that even in the city we share the space with animals. It would be nice if we could build more corridors of parkland for them, it would be good for us too, I think.

Age

2006-07-14T14:31:00.000+10:00

I am getting old. or perhaps I should say, older. I don't mind, in fact until now I have positively enjoyed getting older. Getting to know yourself better, not flying off in hormone induced moods, knowing how the world works (mostly). Yeah I don't mind getting older. But I feel different lately. I feel grownup. For many years I felt like I was pretending to be a grownup, but now I feel grownup, I feel like I am responsible for many things and that I can handle that responsibility. I also feel less pretty, less girly, less attractive. I think that maybe because I associate beauty with youth, which is beautiful, but is there an unexplored beauty in old age? I don't think a cute smile will get me out of situation any more, which is good because that habit was one that used to shit me. I was once very cute. I have pictures, although I would have to set up the scanner to prove it. It is about weight loss too though, unfortunately. I am not overweight, but I am on the upper cusp of the healthy weight range, for my height. I would like to be in the lower half. Making time to really look after myself though is hard. I can do it, but I am a one track sort of person. I tend to focus on one thing at a time and I need to think about keeping fit, it doesn't come naturally. Studying hard does come naturally, which isn't surprising for those who know me recently or all my life. Those who knew me when I was cute and then drifted away would probably be surprised though. I was more of a party animal. An insecure girl looking to hop from one great event to the next. Living for the moment isn't really living. So given the choice I will choose to do a bit of extra study rather than go for a jog. Even I have trouble saying, thats wrong. It is wrong though. I want to be healthy enough to do the things I want to do. I don't want to keel over at 40 with a heart attack and not be able to solve the worlds energy problems. I know I aim high, but why not? So in an effort to feel better about my age I will make keeping fit just as important as study unless I am working on something due the next day. So with that I have squashed an excuse. It is just as important to keep healthy as it is to keep learning, for me. I will also not let people and social situation bully me into bad food, especially Willett. It is not his fault it is not like I put up much of a battle, but I should, so I will. It is in the end my mouth, not his. Otherwise I don't really mind getting older. I need to stop basing my self esteem on how I look, because I am not going to be 20 again. Anyway I wasn't anywhere near as great as I am now, when I was 20. I was selfish, oh so bloody selfish, moody, unpredictable, fun, careless, thoughtless, irresponsible, unable to stick to anything, apparently I was a good dancer, jealous.........I had nothing other than fun and cute going for me. Scarey thing is fun cute people get a lot of stuff, a lot of consessions made for them when they aren't deserving. Before then I was a thoughtful, quiet, kind, mature child who played the flute and raised funds for charities. I was a nice girl. I am a hard woman who has more in common with the little girl than the wild teenager. I am tough on other young women who make the same mistake. Perhaps I shouldn't be. Some of these girls though seem determined to never grow up. Some of them approach their 30's before they start to look at the world differently, realise it doesn't rotate around them. I am too hard on these women. They will grow in their own time or never. In the end the only person they hurt is themselves. Not me so I will stop being grumpy and start being gracious. We are all free to make mistakes and to be forgiven. I need to let myself grow and be old, even if I never lose that weight because it is about the growing not the aging. I am going for a long walk. :)

Willett's dream

2006-07-10T08:32:00.000+10:00

Yesterday he showed us "the location". It was very exciting because he really has found a great spot. I guess any day now, he will submit his resignation and he will be beyond the point of return. How very exciting. He is just so good at making things happen, although this time the opportunities always come at the right time. Like this location. Like the idea and then the capital and then the partner and then the location. Not that it fell in his lap, but this idea seems to want to happen. It is almost like the idea choose him, rather than the other way round. He has worked very hard, but more than that, he has been very brave. Part of the way Willett defines himself is a good provider for his little family. While I am not afraid of losing the security, he is afraid of losing that definition. He would be so disappointed with himself if I had to go back to work. Funny thing is I have total faith in him.

Detached

2006-07-08T19:34:00.000+10:00

Thats how I felt when my Mum came to visit. I wish that there was something more, but all I felt was a sense of detachment. So easily I have lost that shaky bond I was beginning to develop while still back home. I am sad now, because I wish I knew what it was like to have a mother. I wish I had one of those real relationships whether it be easy and fun, or difficult and angry. Instead all I feel is a big deep empty hole. Detached and sorry for my god damm self. I was fine, I thought I was. Everything was polite and relaxed. We went out and had fun, but there was no real connection. When she departed on thursday I flipped out over something Tomas did. I wasn't furious or anything, but I was reacting strangely to something he did. I really had no sense of perspective and I am quite certain that it had more to do with my Mum, than anything Tomas did. Which brings me to comtemplate what Tomas actually did. It in itself it seems quite odd. Tomas was teasing his little brother as big brothers do, his issue of choice was that the extremely cool batman bike had pink bits on it. My initial response was sensible, I looked to diffuse the situation. I checked the bike, it was orange, and not a light almost pink orange is was a definate orange. Tomas though insisted it was pink. He continued to insist is was pink even after I got other people to give a third opinion. So I got out a colour blindness test. If you see orange as pink then you are probably having problems seeing green, which is the most common form of colour blindness. He passed with flying colours (hehe colours, colour blindness). So he wasn't colour blind, and thats when I got odd. That meant he was lying to me and that was unacceptable and really odd. For most people don't try to continue to lie about something once they have been proven to be wrong. Yet he was adamant. It drove me nuts. Orange is orange, pink is pink. Peach is somewhere in between and that is ok to describe as either. Life is a set of rules. Some things are true and cannot be a matter of opinion. The sky is blue and my uncle did not rape me. Why because they are facts. My mother though would break those rules all the time. Things that did not happen according to her did. Dad beat us, her, me and my sister. We were all apparently sexually assaulted, or even raped. She had been kidnapped and her ideas had been stolen. She had written some of the pop songs on the radio, but they had all been stolen off her. Some of you may think, surely you must have seen she had a problem. Nope, I didn't, for the longest time I believed her and then as I got older I started to doubt some of the things she said. Perhaps she was confused, I would tell myself, but still I thought some of the things she had said were true. Finally with the help of some books and talking to my aunty, I learnt to understand that she was mentally ill. So, I knew those things were false and emotionally withdrew from my mother. I think I had already begun to do that. I never told my Dad or my friends, I never thought about it. She didn't exist, I had an imaginary world I could retreat to and I used denial. I wish I hadn't. My sister was damaged, by it all. The other adults still don't understand how serious it was. Why? because I never said anything. /sigh Since when do children know how to articulate these things? I know that these adults are the people who taught me the fine art of denial. Now my sister is a person who uses language differently to me and is hardly ever fully understood at least by my family. My mother taught her to communicate differently to the way the rest of our family works. My sister was aggressive, but was really just a big open wound. How did the adults who were responsible for us deal with this troubled child? They treated her as a spoilt teenager who was used to getting her own way. Some of them even engaged in open warfare with her. Some of the reason why they thought that of her was because I didn't deal with it the same as her. I didn't get angry I didn't make people uncomfortable and wave a red flag asking for help. She did and they ignored her, they resented her for doing it. No wonder I didn't, I probably knew on an unconscious level it wouldn't help. So when Tomas behaving like a normal child who has sibling rivalry issues, starts claiming he saw pink, I had a minor break down. Was he malicous? Was he schizophrenic? More importantly he challenged my rules of reality. It was most likely a case of finding a button, that managed to get plenty of Mum's attention. I find it insulting and ignorant when people fiddle with those hidden mental boundaries. Sure someone of stable mental state can probably play a game of thinking that orange is pink, but it is a dangerous path. It is not cool or fun to have a mental illness. It is not something you are happy about. I can only wonder at how sad my Mum must feel about not really being there for my sister and I. We were left to the unskilled and emotionally screwed up father to raise and fix the damage as best he could. The fact he only recently can admit that at least one of his children was damaged by the illness, shows how inept he was at the job. I wonder if he knows it scarred me too? My father is a kind man. A person who has done quite a reasonable job as a parent considering the task set for him. Really only someone with a good sense of what is needed as a parent could have helped my sister and I properly. My father was a scarred child too. His father died when he was 3, always the ignored middle child, who seemed neither bright or special. He stuttered and was forced to write right handed even though he was left handed. His mother unravelled under the pressure to be a single mother, his older sister escaped eventually from the responsibility given her and left him to hold it all together. My grandmother was not kind or gentle, once her husband died. She tried to raise 3 children while insisting they continue to seem respectable. She used alcohol and drugs to help her, which of course did not. Eventually another event happened in her life to help her change and become a different person and kind person and when I met her a wonderful Grandma. So my mother has schizophrenia and my father while a good man has no real understanding of how to be a parent or to show love. My upbringing was unusual or was it? I am unconsciously drawn to other people with troubled childhoods. I am also biased against those who have never seen hardship, I often see them as superficial. I have noticed that those I end up choosing to be close to have almost always had something in their past they had to deal with. I often do not know this until later. There are exceptions though. Willett is one, but there are others. Usually I see in them a kindness, a true spirit that while they are unhurt themselves, they are not arrogant but know they are just lucky, blessed with a happy past and understand the gift that is. Perhaps they are children of people like myself. I would like to think so. I would like to think that were traumatised children who have grown from their problems and understood their background, forgiven the past, that those people raise children without hurt who are kinder and more thoughtful. Today I saw my aunty, the person who is probably as close to a mother as I am going to get. Perhaps I am not so unlucky with my childhood, to have such a kind, wise woman in my life is a blessing. My childhood aint so bad or so hard, sometimes I feel a little sad for myself, but in the end I am not sure if I would change it, except perhaps to help my sister.

No going back.............

2006-07-05T22:01:00.000+10:00

At the end of semester, once all my tests were complete, I had resigned myself to the fact that while I probably passed, I wasn't going to get the same sort of results I used to get in high school. High Distinctions are for those who are incredibly gifted and work hard. Not just fairly bright and dedicated. Except I got two and a credit for math. I am in shock that I got such high marks for the other two subjects and of course disappointed with the math result as I know I could have done better. It is a strange feeling. 6 months a go I was expecting this moment to feel like vindication. Perhaps that is how it will feel eventually, but now I don't really need vindication. Now I have been a university student long enough to feel like I am one, that I belong there. It would not have mattered if all I had done was pass, I would have gone back to finish. Which is the larger goal, the more difficult one. Not all semesters will go so well, there will be times when life throws up road blocks. The true test will be how I deal with these. Not how well I did last semester. Still I am very proud, that I managed to get good marks. That university while challenging is still something I can do and do well. Of course doing university well was only possible because Willett was happy enough to support me in this venture. Next semester there won't be quite as much support coming from his corner as he will be chasing his dream. I just hope we can both pursue our dreams and still have time for our little family. Well I guess I will enjoy telling my family and bask in the glory for a little while, I think I am allowed that for a day. Then I will go back to being realistic and dealing with the day to day stuff. Yay for starting to see my dream come true. Yay for once being able to set a goal, a high goal and believing it is possible. Yay for changing the way I used to think of university, as something I would never do, to being something I am doing. Yay for me.

School holidays

2006-07-03T18:06:00.000+10:00

Nanna has come to stay - and is paying for everything, which admittedly is great as our finances are a tad tight right now. Museum visits - where Tomas protests at how boring they are and then proceeds to enjoy every moment. We all leave once our heads are so full of facts that they couldn't absorb another one. Tomas now has decided to start a collection of antique and tribal weapons. Discovering parklands by accident - an inner city wonderland full of childhood delights. A really worthwhile time. Cheap movies - Over the hedge, a good laugh, a good time had by all. Yummy lunch - It is hard to be trying to watch what you eat when there is so much good food about. Adventure parks - A place for Pug to conquer his fears and get to the top of the climbing net. Fun, water, sand, dirt. A delicious picnic, with cold chicken, turkish bread, dips and sweet strawberries. Falling asleep most afternoons on the couch. My goodness this school holiday lark is more tiring than I remember.

Synchronicity

2006-06-26T20:22:00.000+10:00

Sometimes the timing of things is very interesting. I often go to peoples blogs and slowly work my way through their blog roll. I click the link have a look and then return to the original site. I am sure it must screw up their stat counters :p I found two good ones today. I am expanding my list of blogs because sometimes there isn't enough to read. I made contact with a blogger of one of these other new blogs, but they want to expand the relationship between reader and author. I just want to keep things casual, I am not really into beginning the type of friendship where you exchange emails regularly. I guess the problem for me is it seems forced. So I have been politely replying, trying to give subtle hints it hasn't worked. So I left a response a day or two and the emails stopped. I was going to respond, but I was having trouble wording, the hey could you stop contacting me email. Well it seems things have worked out anyway. Anyway one of the two I found today really struck a note and the timing was amazing. Time to stop and think, remember and consider, renew my promise and what it all means. I was planning to blog about the event, but it isn't really coming, so perhaps another time I will write about it. Perhaps it just doesn't seem that big to me although I think it should be. Still I am amazed how life works like that. An anniversary of an event draws near and then you find yourself constantly reminded of that thing. Oprah will have program on the subject, you will read a blog or something will happen to prompt the memory. On Thursday my Mum will be coming to stay. It will be good to see her.

Holidays?

2006-06-25T21:20:00.000+10:00

I love to obsess over stuff. So now that university is finished for the moment I am of course obsessing over the business project. Concepts, ideas, anything and everything is being documented. This is all a process, I expect things to be changed, adjusted and deleted entirely. In the end this is not my project, although I do have a passion for it. Why? Because it is somewhere I want to go and spend time, I am not worried about the business making money. I just want it to be the best it can be. Somewhere where I want to be. I am busy though, with other stuff. I have a long list of jobs that need doing. The car needs to be serviced, children need to be entertained and there is a bit of home administration I need to catch up on. I have scheduled Willett an appointment for the big chop. No more children for us. Actually is an appointment for a consultation, then the operation. It is nice of Willett to join Eddie in neutered stakes. Poor Eddie, neutered and had his rear end sewn back together, he is feeling pretty sorry for himself. I have got to say it is not an attractive look, although I quite like this quieter version of Eddie. Although when the boys went out to play ball he was as eager as ever. Of course we put him back inside, before he could hurt himself. The investment is secure. :p Nursing sick dogs and I guess people, just isn't as romantic as it sounds. I have become the person who wipes the dogs bum! Actually it is pretty good today, but we were having issues with keeping the area clean until then. No wonder I have been distracting myself with other stuff. I have a cold coming on. I would say it is my first real cold since I got here. I think the cold virus has attempted to make me sick before, but my body refuses to acknowledge that it is cold enough for a runny nose and sore throat. So I start to feel off colour only to get better the next time the sun comes out. Excluding that time I had a sore tooth and thought I had an ear ache. Tomas is loving his football and received a most improved certificate for his effort. Well my house is a mess and I should be resting or cleaning, but I am doing neither. Way too much going on in my head right now. Tomorrow I must wake up early drag 3 children to the car service place. 3 children? Aye I have inherited Tomas's best friend for 3 days. Actually apart from the food, I can barely notice the difference between 2 children and 3. Anyway shall not bore you all to tears with my list of things to do. I do hate that even though I am holiday I am not on holiday. I still have to get up early and do things. It will be better now the boys are on holiday aswell. Actually there is far less stress on me, so it really is a holiday. Soon I shall download the trial version of D&D online and then I will retreat from the real world for the week. That is my idea of a holiday, although a deserted island would be just as good.

Polishing floorboards

2006-06-21T17:56:00.000+10:00

Did you know that you can get scratches out of wooden floors with shoe polish. We do, and it has helped us a lot in the house we now live in. As we rent every scratch has the potential to cost us some of our bond. Last night my boys started pulling each other around in a little wagon, on this wooden floor. Well all that worried me was the potential to scratch the floor, they both assured me is wasn't. I should know better, but I was snuggled up on the couch and couldn't be bothered moving my lazy ass. Of course I do eventually get up only to discover, several long scratches going from the lounge through the kitchen, round the hallway, back to the lounge room. So both my boys spent the evening on their knees polishing the scratches out of the floor. /sigh I got in with them and the three of us spent ages trying to remove the scratches, well it helped, but you can still see them. Tomas, commented that it wasn't too bad polishing the floor. He also asked why I was helping. I suppose I could have just left them to do it, but two things, they wouldn't have done a good enough job on their own and in the end I am responsible not them. They are still just children. I should have got off the couch and checked. Tomas was impressed, I hope he realises that is how it is for us as parents. Sure if he makes a mess, I will expect him to clean it up, but he won't be alone. I will be there, his Dad will be there no matter how bad the screw up. Funny it was sort of fun for the three of us, rubbing the floor, working together on a common goal. Pug also learnt a lesson that night. He learnt that life isn't just about following the rules, it is also about making choices. Some choices aren't obviously bad and need you to consider a variety of things. He really doesn't like being naughty, and felt really bad about it. I told him it was just a mistake and he should get used to them as he was probably going to make a lot of mistakes. The trick of course it to learn from them. He is such a thoughtful boy. The floor is much improved, but we have had several accidents occur when child, parent or dog decide to take a corner to fast and find ourselves on our backside. Shoe polish equals slippery.

Life, it just keeps happening

2006-06-17T19:50:00.000+10:00

Tomas played very well this morning. The rest of his team, except for a few players was a bit slow to get going. By the final quarter the team really started firing. Tomas is learning to get his foot to the ball and get it moving towards his forwards. He is also good at marking his man. So kicking is improving. Next thing for him to think about is catching. Right now though the poor thing is in bed with a killer head ache. He gets these occasionally. I am not sure if it was the hit on the head he took today or just a bit to much was crammed in for him today. We were pretty busy. After watching Tomas's stellar performance today, we went to the nearby mall. Mall's are evil places enticing you buy things you want but didn't realise you wanted until they put them in front of you. Sure I could buy Pug a spiderman watch, and he would be very happy, but he doesn't need a watch. Sure I could do with a few more pretty throw rugs, but I can manage with the sleeping bags. Pug could do with a few good kid games for the PC, but really his computer is broken right now anyway. I am proud to say we managed to avoid all the temptations and do only what we set out to do. Buy a drip filter coffee machine (I broke ours this morning), return the scales we bought about 2 months ago and do the grocery shopping. We spent some time looking at big screen TVs, but that is for the cafe, not personal use. We came home, unpacked the shopping weighed each other and went to the possible cafe location. ohhh excitement! I like looking at real estate, especially houses, but retail real estate is fun too. For me the business won't really start being real until Willett and Ozboy settle on a location. I think my holidays might be busy helping Willett, that or perhaps setting up a test account of D&D online. Both are probably dangerous distractions. I should really use my holiday time to get some reading done for my courses next semester. I am going to try 4 subjects again, this time though I am not going to feel bad if I need to drop one. Finally we came home and settled in for the night. The kids ran around and Pug drove us nuts. Pug is becoming very annoying lately, with this mostly fake cry he is doing. I had a long chat about having an appropriate reaction to things, for instance it is not OK to have a break down because your older brother does not want to play the play station for your entertainment. Sure be cranky, but full on tears, life is over stuff is not going to change anything, except perhaps make Will and I cross at him. Eddie is going to cost us a small fortune to get made better. We have decided that he will have to earn the money back and we will be charging people for the privledge of patting our $3000.00 dog. Yes, you did read that right. So now I have an electrical exam to study for. I have gotten into the habit of doing it when everyone else is out of the house, at work or school, but I get very distracted when the house is full. In fact I should probably be doing some now. Oh well I will think about it. Tomorrow though is a definite must and with the shopping done, I should be able to give it my full attention. Of course that is if the band isn't too distracting. Oh SH if you read this, Will needs to talk to your man. He is driving me nuts and he keeps asking my opinion about business stuff. Of course my opinion is he needs to ask his partner. hehehe.

For those who were wondering.........

2006-06-16T19:28:00.000+10:00

Willett's concert was a huge success. The crowd was big, they even drew people over from across the road. People were dancing and the proprietors of several other venues who were invited along for a listen were very impressed. Of course this has left Willett in a bit of a predicament. At some point it is very likely the band will conflict with the business. I already know which one is going to win.

Robbie Williams, who?

2006-06-16T19:00:00.000+10:00

Anna Bligh made a faux pas today when doing some media thing about Robbie Williams and his up coming concert. She was asked if she knew any Robbie Williams, and she didn't. Alot of noise was made about it. My response, So? Who cares is she doesn't know who Robbie Williams is. I would be more worried if she had no idea about something to do with her portfolio. I think some people feels this means she is out of touch. I disagree, I know people who can list thousands of bands and song titles, but couldn't name a single politician. Ask them what they think of the new IR laws or the budget and their opinion will be based on incorrect information or they won't have one at all. I wonder is it our politicians who are out of touch, or is it community? If more people are interested in the sex life of Brad and Angelina, rather than how well our local film industry is doing, or the terrible parenting skills of Britney Spears rather than how well is family services functioning, I ask who is it that is really out of touch. While I don't expect everyone to stop enjoying gossip columns, I would like to see more respect given for a people who take the time to be interested in the other stuff. Sometimes I think this is at the expense of being able to enjoy some of the fun stuff life has to offer. Julia Gillard, had a photo taken in her pristine kitchen. So the woman doesn't cook, why does this mean she is a bad politician? I only cook because I have to, my kitchen isn't pristine, but it would be if I was having a photo taken in it. Being able to spend time cooking a meal would be a luxury for her. I guess I know that there are times when I wouldn't be able to name a Robbie Williams song either and I am a fan. I am just not good with that sort of stuff. I can tell you why his concert is a political issue though.

Stuff

2006-06-14T18:39:00.000+10:00

I fail at taking exams. I did all the wrong things, I spent too much time on the questions that I was having trouble with and didn't get round to some that were easy. The thing is there was nothing in the exam I didn't know. So I kept at some questions even though the answer was not coming, because I knew I was close. I have done myself out of some marks. I am not very happy. I do know better, but when I am doing math, time as a concept does seem to vanish. It is strange, but I do like math. Oh well. I got to put my receptionist hat on today. I am at least for the next couple of days Jasroy's new receptionist/admin assistant. It was fun, of course I didn't get paid much, as the director of the company is my husband. Today I cleaned and rang real estate agents and took messages from real estate agents. Tomorrow Eddie goes to the vet for a pre op check up, then I will study for my other exam and spend more time being a receptionist.

Cars..... a night out.

2006-06-10T00:06:00.000+10:00

Willett had a gig tonight. I hope it went well. I decided I couldn't really afford to go, so I took my boys out to the movies instead. We went to see Cars, another solid pixar movie. I would normally rave about this sort of movie, but it wasn't quite as good as the other movies they have done. I am so harsh. We had a great night out. I laughed a lot, it helped that I have a formula one addiction. The boys also were great. I took them to a restaurant for dinner and watched them struggle with gigantic posh burgers. I am trying to teach them manners, but really how are they meant to get the food into their mouth and not all over the floor without using their hands? Tomas was very unimpressed at first with our choice of movie, it seems he is getting too cool for animation movies. He would have preferred the X men movie. Of course he still loved every moment, including the gigantic posh burger. It is nice to walk to the movies, have dinner and walk back. It is a really good chance to chat. It is nice that they sometimes argue over whos turn it is to talk to Mum. One day they will be arguing over whose turn it is to talk to Mum but in the reverse. "You do it", "no you, I had to listen to her spout on about haemoroids"! According to Pug, the evening wasn't great, to be a great evening we need to have Dad there as well. I couldn't agree more.

My dogs.

2006-06-07T17:45:00.000+10:00

Took my dogs to the vet today. They are overdue for their vaccination and annual checkup. I have to admit I think I was suffering a little from the "I don't want to know"s. I could not put it off any longer as Eddie has got an enlarged bottom. It was not a good visit. Eddie has a hernia and will need an operation. An expensive operation. Of course he is getting old and so blood tests were taken to make sure he is up for such an invasive operation. The vet expects it to be clear, he is in extremely good health for his age. Jamie my old girl, is a lot less simple. Nothing is really obviously wrong with her, but I had all her lumps checked and mentioned her trouble breathing. Some of her lumps are her lymph nodes, and well they are swollen all of them. Dogs also have lymph nodes in their lungs. This could mean she has lymphnoma (probably not spelt right), not great news really. The preliminary test though looks good, so I am not writing her off just yet. It was strange the vet was very apologetic. Like it was her fault she found so many things wrong, which of course it isn't. I have two old dogs, they are going to start getting ill and well one day they will die. But not today. :)

Swotvac

2006-06-05T18:32:00.000+10:00

Well so far I have been productive. I have put together 4 alternative tickets for a fundraising night at the footy club. I have scoured the web for potential locations for Willett and Ozboys, upcoming business venture. Tomorrow I will wake up early, Take the kids to school, Go to uni, Get necessary math text from library, Check my project was submitted properly, Come home do some study. I will have to put some time in over the weekend I think as well. I am going to try to put 4 hours in everyday, for 5 days, plus a bit extra on the weekend. I hope that is enough to pass the final exams well. If I am honest and not too arrogant, I really don't need to study to pass. I have actually passed both the courses even if I fail the final test. Of course I really would love to do well. I have such terrible pride, when it comes to this course. It is a great motivator though, so I am not sure if I should try to do something about it. I mean if passing was all I needed, then would I then put all the hours that I have already done and plan to still do into this course? Would I instead spend more time cleaning, sleeping, talking to friends? Talking of friends, I realise that I have made some awesome friends, but have no way to contact them. I will have to rectify this situation, fast. And finally my new wonderful friends are off on their adventure very soon. I probably won't even notice they are gone, because to be honest a month isn't very long anymore and neither is two. When they come back they will be all windswept and interesting and full of great tales to tell and I will look forward to spending an evening listening to those tales and of course trying to process thousands of photos. :)

Quiet.

2006-06-02T17:02:00.000+10:00

Everything is quiet. The boys are quiet, my house is quiet, my head is quiet. I have handed in my last peices of assesment. My last math assignment was a bit doubtful, but only worth %4 so not to important. I am tired it helps, the lost legionary is really quite lost, also probably good for my head. My new counselor can tell me what I know I need to do, but I needed to hear someone say it, or perhaps someone to expect it of me. We both acknowledge it is not necessarily easy. Tonight though I have made the right choices so far, even if I have had short moments of quick panic during the day. I stomped those thoughts into the ground. I have swatvac coming up, which is cool I should get organised. Swatvac: lecture free time before exams to be used for swatting (study). I have a friend over for a BBQ tomorrow. It will be nice. Pug has a birthday party Saturday, Tomas has returned from his camp and probably won't be at his game tomorrow. Willett is at a business meeting tonight and I am going to have to get used to that. Later there will be a band playing downstairs. I feel almost comfortable, very very close.

What is a team?

2006-05-31T18:59:00.000+10:00

Why can't my project team just do the stuff they are meant to do? I know it isn't that hard, because I have just done it myself. I can't trust them to have it done by tomorrow as they haven't contacted me in days to let me know if it is being done. Now I can trust one person, but the rest on past performance are very unreliable. Actually that is a nice way to put it. /sigh what am I worried about it is only worth %50 of my mark!!!!!!

It did not go well

2006-05-29T16:48:00.000+10:00

It was a tradegy, ok maybe it wasn't but it must have been disapointing for the boy from Queanbeyan. There he was in Monaco on a track he knows, racing superbly, seriously challenging the leaders in first and second. He was set up for at least a podium place, but no this was not to be his day. After dealing with some very dodgey traffic, that didn't make way and a blue flag that was long time coming, he started to make his way back up to Kimi and Alonso, only for his exhaust to fail and cause the car to go into flames. Yes that was it, end of game. Kimi also was stolen of his rightful place on a podium with car reliability issues. Perhaps someone should mention to the engineers that the race is 2 hours long and the cars really need to last that long. Actually that isn't fair. Every thing is compromised for speed. I could build a very reliable car but it wouldn't be as fast. I have to hand it to Mark though, he is one awesome driver. Any day now he will win his first race and I think that is what he needs. Everyone knows he can do it, but until he actually does I think he always have that seed of doubt. Have no doubt Mark, you are good enough to win a formula one race. (Like he reads this :p)

Formula one

2006-05-28T22:48:00.000+10:00

I have seen the footage of Ferrari's Michael Schumacher controversial stop after a corner. My thoughts.......... If Michael Schumacher couldn't take that corner then I am a formula driver. In the end, though a good result for our boy Mark, who I expect great things of tonight. Gah I will even go so far to say he will win. Lucky I can always edit this later :p

My dogs

2006-05-27T21:38:00.000+10:00

I have two dogs. They are both getting quite old. The oldest, has really started to slow down and I have found myself making allowances for her. My dogs sleep in my room, they have a blanket on the floor. I admit that since the cold weather has started, I have let them occassionally sleep on the bed. Normally this is not acceptable as they take up too much room, but they are toasty warm. So we have let our old lady sleep with us the last couple of nights, because she is old and feeling very cold. Unfortunately she lies on our covers and effectively pins them down so we find ourselves half exposed. Last night I had had enough, but still aware she needed our body heat, I pulled the covers out from under her and let them lay atop of hre instead. The problem with dogs, children and lawyers is they remember precedence. Whenever we have a nap both dogs have to come and have a nap with us, normally on the dog blanket. We are so used to this, should we decide to have a nap during the day we go and round them up and bring them with us, so we don't have to get out of bed a few minutes later with one of them scratching at the door. Today we went to have a nap and we couldn't find our old lady. We called, but she is getting deaf and didn't hear us. So we had our nap, a few minutes into the nap the phone rang, as is always the case when you decide to have a nap during the day. Will got up and answered the phone, a bit of rucus was made and our old lady realised we had gone to bed without her! She comes bounding in as fast as her arthritic legs could take her. Jumps on the bed and stares at me straight in the face. I think she was miffed and had to let me know, but I was very pleased to see her, so our old lady deemed me worthy of forgivness and licked my face. She then proceeded to lift a small gap between me and the covers and crawl into the bed, under the covers! Willett was amazed with check not really aware of the precedence set the night before. The way I figure it, she now knows where the warmest place is and its not on a blanket on the floor, it is not even on the bed with us. No the best and warmest place to sleep is with a blanket on top of you with just your head sticking out. She really is a funny old girl. My other dog is way too much of a dog to think that is a good way to sleep. He prefers smelly blankets on the floor where you can lay on your back with your legs sprayed that way should the urge to scratch or lick come along, well there is nothing to stop you. The old lady though thinks she is just as human as we are.

Honesty, blogs, venting, trips down memory lane, what more could a blog post want.........

2006-05-27T15:17:00.000+10:00

This post has an audience in mind. You might not like that it does, but it does and you cannot stop me from doing what I think is right because you don't think it is. I believe that this audience needs to know this and others aswell: Why? because I was hurt and I don't want anyone else to be hurt. Why? to explain a little of why I am hurt. Why? to hurt him a little too. I have to admit there is a vindictiveness to this post, just like the other. (edit: That was the intention I had when I began. It moved away from that as I wrote) I was amazed at the power of writing straight from my heart on to the blog. I was amazed by the power it had on me. I am referring to a post 2 posts back. While it isn't the most mature thing I have ever done, I read them, I remember them and I know they are me. I am not sure what my friends think, I guess some will agree with me and others will be disappointed in me, but I said those things with total honesty. I don't think it is right to always say negative things about one person, even when you don't like them especially in a place as public as a blog, but I still think on some things and because it is what I am thinking about today, it will be my subject matter. The person I posted about is like a moth to a flame when it comes to drama. This I realised yesterday and I have to admit I felt sorry for him. It made me remember something another person had said in a blog. When I remembered it another piece fell into place. I am paraphrasing, but he said that his life was not there for the entertainment of others. I understand, not that I think my life has been very entertaining to this person, but I think they thought it would be. I think he was only interested in me because I seemed like a person whose life is not simple. I used to think it was because he liked something about me as a person or because I was Willett wife, but no I think the attraction was to the perceived drama. I am not that exciting though and like the person above I really don't like my life being full of messy stuff. A friend who likes you for your messy stuff, doesn't really want you to deal with or get over that messy stuff. It does make me think about the why do we blog our life if we don't want it to be used as entertainment question? I start with why do I read blogs? 90% of the blogs I read are people I at least met in the flesh first usually a friend. 10% of the blogs I read are people who I don't know, mostly I read them because something about their blog strikes a note. One of the blogs is about how they deal with motherhood. Another is a geek gone good, another is about their attitude to life. 2 blogs I read for entertainment. One is funny, one is informative. So why do I blog? Well because I was in a shit job where nobody listened to me and I felt about as good as a soggy teabag. I wanted to say my stuff to others. That job ended, but I kept blogging, knowing full well that when this chapter ended I would probably stop feeling the need to blog. I realise now that work may not have been the whole problem. So I kept going, the blog exists for a reason I don't fully comprehend. You know something is wrong when everything is going fine, but you can't sleep, you dream about........well you dream about some disturbing stuff, when tears come at the slightest provocation or the slightest hint of sympathy. Anyway I try to do what I think is right. Back at work when the girl whose position I was filling, had returned from her cancer treatment to find not only did they not give her, her job back when I left, that they pulled out of the agreement for her to take over another position and left her nothing. I did what I thought was right. I told her that they couldn't do that. I told them that they couldn't do that. I was not her friend, the opinion of her friends was that she needed to take more time off work. Her marriage was falling apart and she wasn't particularly strong, the only thing that got her out of bed each morning was coming to work. She loved working there. They decided what was best for her and manipulated her out of a job. I saw them doing it, I just never expected it to work. Management in my world do not make decisions based on office gossip. More importantly they weren't comfortable with her at work and said as much all the bloody time, to our boss and others and me because well why would I care, I wasn't exactly her friend and she would often bitch about me. So therefore I would be happy they manipulated her out of job? The only person who can decide whether she is ready to come back to work or not is her and a doctor. None of them had a medical degree. I went to her, I went to her bosses superior. He told me how he had to appear to be supportive of our manager's decisions. He also told me, that there was no way in hell he was going to get into an industrial dispute, on the eve of the new IR changes. I worked for an employers union. That's right a body that supported the changes and was spending hours getting positive stories for the liberal party to use in its campaign. (I don't think they found a single one) Well this post has gone places I wasn't expecting. Once, when I was a teenager, I had two friends, both who wanted to buy the same car. One of them managed to get the money together faster than the other and bought the car, the other one wasn't happy. Anyway the guy who got the car, took it home and did some work to it. One of the things they did was take the wheels off, I can't remember exactly why, to change the brake pads or something. They did the wheels up and left it there overnight. The next day when he went to drive the car and one of the wheels came lose. He came to school and told some friends. One in particular was a very manipulative person. She suggested that the other person who wanted the car, went around during the night and loosened the wheel nuts. Now this did not ring true to me. He was a rev head, but pretty mellow guy, he wasn't the type to do something like that. She was good friends with the guy she was accusing as well. I asked if he had the wheels off, which he admitted he had. I suggested that perhaps he didn't do the wheel nuts up tight enough, she told me this was impossible, even though she wasn't there. I told them all, there was a few of us there, that was bullshit, and that I knew the other guy would not do something like that. "Why don't you just go away Javaira, no one here likes you anyway." Was how she responded. I looked blankly at my friends, most who should have said something, but you see she held a certain amount of power. I walked away, I was quite amazed. I was angry, but felt quite impotent. Anyway she blurted out as I made my way to the girls loo's to vent, "so I guess you are going straight to ****** and telling him what I said" Well I have to admit, the idea had not occurred to me. "Yes ******* that is exactly what I am going to do" The blood drained from her face. As I left the school, who should drive past? Yes it was the guy who was accused of all the things. I told him. I went home. The next morning while Willett and some other good friends stood by expecting a fight, I was apologised to by the girl and all of the others who hadn't said anything. I was disappointed, I was happy for her to hate me honestly, but she knew it wasn't politically a good move. She has made a genuine apology since. I have never ever regretted being honest. I once said Nice was in Italy, I was trying to appear intelligent. Always admit when you have no idea what a person is talking about. I guess it was lucky I was naked, I think I distracted him with a nipple.

2006-05-26T21:16:00.000+10:00

I had a great day at University today. I was so happy I didn't really feel like leaving. I have done all I need to for assessment. Well I hope I have. I have one report worth 50% of my assessment and a presentation to go with it. It has not been handed in yet, but I have done all I was expected too. Actually I did a lot more than I was expected too, but I am finished, unless of course some of the other people do not do what has been asked. Which is not going to happen. Please. So I was feeling extremely relaxed. The boys in the electrical stream were being very silly. Willett will love these guys, they made a "beast" stamp for our lecturer because it is his favourite word. In fact they did this whole fake raffle, during the semester, where the only person who entered was this lecturer. He was really good about it. Today he won his prize, mushy mellows, an umbrella, batteries for his mic, some random electronic components, whipped cream in a tin, a can with no label, the 'beast' stamp, a stihl bag and other random things. It was admittedly very funny. So today I was hanging out with friends and it was fun. Another really cool thing happened today. Willett was on his way home, when someone with an American accent called out his name in a quizzical tone. It was a really old friend of mine from SWOW. She is great, she used to work with Willett back home as well and now she is living a few suburbs away!! It is really good news, for both of us as she doesn't know too many people here either. She is one of those great people who I manage to let slip out of my life. I regret that I let so many fantastic people just fade off into the distance. While I admit I can't be close with everyone, I do want to make sure I don't let people like this just fade away any more. This is my third chance with this person, I hope I can do better this time.

Excrement Hits the Air Circulating Device

2006-05-25T21:21:00.000+10:00

This person has hurt me. Not terribly, but more than I would like. He has also hurt my husband, which is surprising but makes me bloody angry. This person lost a job, for basically getting caught doing something dumb. "Despite it being an amusing start to a dull election campaign, the hacking of the Liberal Party website was an amateur job which backfired badly. The two ALP junior staffers who encouraged the prank were sacked amidst a bucketload of negative publicity for their party." Ian Walker ABC Radio National This person was convicted for stealing a car that was given to him. Ok perhaps she was only trying to prove her trust in him by giving him the car and not intending for him have the car. Him deciding to prove she was wrong in trusting him and taking the car, when he knew full well that was not her intention for him to take it, probably is stealing. This person knew that my partner was cheating on me, and choose not to do anything about it. This person changed his name legally and did not tell his wife, until well after he did it. This person thinks that somehow my partner had something to do with his marriage failure yet at no point has thought to talk to us about it. This person thinks very little of some of his closest friends, I know this I have heard what he has to say about them. This person was obsessed with someone they had almost no respect for. This person has told people we don't know about our life. This person has told us about other peoples lives when we don't know them, like if they confide in him about a life threatening illness. This person has told people about my partners indiscretion and not in a kind understanding way. This person has never really talked to me about how I felt when I found out. This person did not comfort me when I found out about the indiscretion, instead he expected me to suddenly understand how hard it has been for him?? This person expects me to not to mention his blog to someone he cares about, while knowing full well that the same person knows everything there is to know about me. This person expects me to keep his secrets, yet has no respect for others privacy. This person would rather steal someone else's number plates so he could move his car rather than buy a temporary rego. This person was happy to take my information, but would not share his. This person is not a very nice person. I would highly suggest anyone getting information about me, should actually try talking to me about it. Yes the shit has hit the fan, and I'm not the one who is really angry. Yes I spent two years of my life working as a sex worker, I made lots of money because I was good at it.

I aced my electrical prac exam

2006-05-24T19:40:00.000+10:00

And when I say aced, I mean I could not have done better if I had blown the tutor testing me. I know, a bit crass, but you shouldn't expect anything less from the girl who will innocently admit that cum might have the same calories as broccoli, but it sure doesn't taste like it. I also said that I didn't need a chair, because I liked being on my knees yesterday................................................................................................ I asked everyone to pretend, the 33 year old mother of two, didn't just say that. They were all happy to oblige.

Big things vs Small things

2006-05-20T20:07:00.000+10:00

This blog is a place for me to chatter on about all the small things that happen in my life. Not so much the big things. At counseling, I was told I had a lot going on right now. I would probably agree, but I wouldn't have thought it was more than any one else. If it isn't more than everyone else, then why can't I just cope, why do I need counseling? Or Perhaps I do have more going on than the average person. I don't like this idea, it is like giving me an excuse. "It's Ok to fall apart Jav, you have a lot going on" Actually this is very close to what the counselor actually said, the thing is I don't want permission to fall apart. I want to stop unraveling at the seams and I admit I need help. The other thing that worries me is that when she said I had a lot on my plate, I hadn't even mentioned some really big things that have happened in my life, that I really still need to deal with. So I mentioned the one that is probably the biggest, and she has referred me to her supervisor. Oh great, I am so screwed up I need a senior counselor. Well, actually that's not why I was referred to him. The counselor I met on Friday was not meant to be meeting new patients as her tenure is nearly up. She has only a month to go and she didn't seem to think a month would cut it. I could have stayed with her, but I found it hard to talk to her, so I opted to start with another person. Really if I wrote my life out as a time line of important events, it probably is a little over the top, but everyone has things happen. Death, illness, betrayal. These things happen to everyone, yet the world keeps on turning. I am tempted to write out that timeline, but this is a place for the small things, not the big ones. Of course the way I view all these small things is affected by the big things. Have you ever heard the saying, "Don't sweat the small stuff", it is practical advice. Of course I do sweat the small stuff, on the other hand I probably don't sweat the big stuff. This isn't probably all that healthy and relies heavily on my natural ability to deny stuff. I am surprised how much of my Father's attitude I have inherited. He is very English, stiff upper lip, lets not be emotional.......etc Today, I had a really good time. I had a nap, watched Tomas play his match (they won!), talked to my Mum on the phone and did some study. I ate my lunch on the deck and read the local rag. The day was beautiful. Autumn here isn't quite as sweet as at home, but it is still the best season. I miss the geography of home like you miss the body of an ex lover. I miss the weather, the way you miss their smell. I wonder whether I will fall in love with this place, as did my home. It has a beauty to it and I enjoy watching it from afar. I am still not on an intimate level with this place though. Still I am building up some good memories. I cannot wonder why when everything seems to be going so well, I manage to feel so sad? I have been through harder times, but have felt happier. It really does show that happiness is something we have from within. Now where the hell did I leave mine?

Google fun at the expense of the French

2006-05-18T22:23:00.000+10:00

Go to google. Type "french military victories" Click search. Click the first link. Yes the first link. Laugh. hahahahahahaha. poor french.

My genetics

2006-05-18T19:08:00.000+10:00

I found out I am missing some DNA. As you probably know we get one copy of each gene from our parents, and the way these genes are made up makes us different. Well I am missing one half of my pairs!!! Sounds terrible huh? Well apparently it is very common and that most people either have extra DNA or missing DNA. People like you and me are walking around with missing parts of their base pairs of some chromosome or extra copies of it, so instead of having a base pair, your have triplets or quadruplet or a single. It is called having gene copy variations, where rather than having the expected 2 copies, you have a different number. There is nothing wrong with the gene itself, just the number of copies. This can be divastating, or it can be insignificant, in my case it just means I am rhesus negative(negative blood type). Interestingly enough this condition is probably a partial cause of birth defects, alzheimers, cancer, colour blindness and of course the well known Downs syndrome (Oh and lets not forget the ailment effecting nearly half the population, being male). It is also linked to schizophrenia. Of course it really does depend on which genes you are lucky enough to have extras, or deletions of. Well, it doesn't surprise me really, I have never been a well balanced person. (oh yeah, pun intended.)

I think too much

2006-05-14T11:21:00.000+10:00

I don't believe people when they say they don't care what anyone thinks, or I think they must be incredibly callous. I care what people think. Perhaps I care too much, but I don't think you should be entirely free of the thoughts of others. I care what my husband thinks of me, if he thinks I am doing something wrong, I care and I will listen to his opinion. I care what my children think of me. If they think something I do, especially as a mum is wrong, I listen to them. I care about their opinion. To a lesser extent I care about my friends opinion. I chose them as my friends because I like them and respect them. So if they say something about me, well I listen, because if I didn't think they had valid opinions, they wouldn't be my friends. I listen to my extended family, their opinion counts as well. These people know me and care about me. If they have something to say about me, then it is usually because they are worried about me and know me well enough to make a good judgment. This doesn't mean they are right, just that I will stop and listen. Sometimes when one of the above people says something, it stays with me for a long time. It could be a positive something, it could be negative. The negative things though can keep me up at night, the ideas swirling in my head. Arguments run in my mind. (Does anyone else suffer from this?) Sometimes this is helpful, usually it isn't. Lately though, people who don't fit in this category have started to matter to me. I wouldn't have consciously thought they mattered, but what they say is staying with me, keeping me up at night. I resent that, even though it is in my power to ignore them. Lately, I just can't. The thing is I really can't afford to let these things bother me, so I will go see a counselor. My sister has been seeing a counselor and I can see it has helped her. I have had gotten through life without needing one so far, partly due to great friends, Willett and a good dose of denial. I think now though without friends and far less denial going on, it is a little too much to ask Willett to cope with alone. I have been thinking about this for awhile, my sister has convinced me it is a good idea. I used to be afraid of asking for help, well I grew out of that. Now I just have to say yes this is important enough to put time into. Well all I needed was another night of unwanted insomnia, to make me realise it is. Unfortunately I have a clash. So do I go to counseling tomorrow and miss a lecture on electrical foundations or do I reschedule my appointment and go to the lecture?

Another blog post,

2006-05-14T00:37:00.000+10:00

Tomas scored a goal! Ok, it was during the inter school match and not while playing for his Saturday team, but still he put his foot to the ball and it went through the middle posts. I am hoping this is the start of him gaining confidence with the ball. In other football news, Hawthorne lost tonight versus the Lions. There was much celebration from young Tomas, and not quite so much from his mother. They were doing so well. Bah. I finally finished one of my more challenging reports, it was a life cycle analysis. It ended up biting me big time. You see I did all the calculations, formulated what I had to do by monday and all I had left was to type the thing up. Type up all my equations in equation editor that is and type the report, oh and write my conclusion. It took ages, so at 3.30pm friday afternoon just before I was due to hand said assignment in, I was putting the final touches to my report. Finally, Happy that I have finished I send my work to the print station, only to find the printer was not working. Never to fear, I can get the printer back online, or can I? Nope not a chance in hell, OK plan B run upstairs to the other print station. I run upstairs, huff puff, and get there. Only to find the default tray is in fact out of paper, so I try to change the settings, harder than I first thought, no problem. I open the second tray grab the 20 or so pages left in the printer and shove them in the default tray. By this time a few people had discovered the downstairs printer wasn't working. I print my assigment. YAY! Ahhh, but I am yet to print the cover page, still I look at the people behind me and as I have a few things to sort I let them go first. Did I mention there were on 20 pages, or so, left in the printer? Yeah thats right, as I get to the printer, I get the "out of paper error". NO, NO, NO. 10 minutes left. I run to the library, fight other lovely nice people to computers. The Library was full of Engineering students finishing their report. They probably didn't deserve to be snarled at. I set up my cover page and then go the library printer. A nice young girl, pretty and would you believe it blond, was at the printer wondering where her print job was. I let her fumble with it for awhile, until my patience runs out. "Have you refreshed the job page?" I ask rather gruffly. I have nothing against blondes, I do though having a burgeoning dislike of engineering girls who rather than work something out for themselves, rely heavily on the male students to do things for them. I think they make it hard for women to get taken seriously in the workforce and girls like her also make it hard for blonds to be taken seriously. "Oh! OK, ahhh, I still can't find the job?" without hurting her, I very bluntly suggest using the drop down menu with all the users listed on it. With a bit more fuss and a nervous giggle, she prints, then everyone else does, and I get there. Finally! I run to the drop off point. While I run, I am very aware of how unfriendly I was to the poor girl. It was my fault I had left the assignment so late, not hers. I while I agree with the angry old biddy that is me when under pressure, that 5 minutes before due time, is not the time to be learning how to work the library printers, I was rude. I am also aware that this is the most running I have done in years. I went back to the library grabbed my stuff, she had already gone. I was embarassed and mentioned it to friend who was there during the whole thing. She thought it was funny. I did not. You see at university you get deadlines and cracking under pressure really isn't a big deal, but when you are at work, that is a different thing. Oh well. Today, though I had a surprise, it was that time of the month. In that case I am amazed she can out alive. I think I am mellowing with old age.

I admit, I am a geek.

2006-05-10T20:22:00.000+10:00

Why is it so uncool to be a geek? All the things that I think are geeky or nerd like are fun. Computer games? Fun Science Fiction? Fun Fantasy? Fun Role playing? Fun Warhammer? Fun Magic the gathering? Fun Being in a historical group or LARP group? Fun Quoting Monty python? Fun Being intelligent? Fun Passionate about a subject(any subject) that most people label as boring (more likely too hard)? Fun!!!! I think this is what is key to being a geek/nerd. Know a stupid amount about music? You're a music nerd. Know how to hack a computer? Your a computer geek. Live for history? Oh yeah your a nerd. Of course some nerds specialise in a few subjects, you aren't limited to one. Basically, nerds like to expand their mind. It is not enough to just know the what about something, you want to know why, how, who. Seriously this stuff is fun. Really good fun. Sure you look stupid as you dress as a vampire and spend a night plotting the downfall of imaginary characters, but it is fun! Geeks make things work, they fix stuff and they listen to non geeks with patience as they ask where the "any" button is. Geeks work for all types of industry, they have families, they are a lot like the rest of the community. I say it is time to show some geek pride. We should have a parade or maybe a really big LAN party. I like being a geek and I am sick of apologising for what I like.

Yum.

2006-05-06T14:26:00.000+10:00

Today has been all about food, glorious food. For breakfast we had pancakes, bacon and eggs, with of course the mandatory maple syrup. Freshly brewed coffee, warm autumn morning sitting on the deck, it was an ideal breakfast. For lunch we had homemade combination soup. Made from homemade broth, noodles and leftovers, it was also very good. Both these meals were very economical and have left me feeling all warm and fuzzy. Nice comfort food. Tomas had another game today. He played a lot better. They still lost, but by only 4 points. Tomas has a fear of kicking the ball, but he actually put his foot to the ball today and it went in the direction he wanted. Sometimes life is all about the small things. I missed two days of university this week, mostly due to me having a crisis. I really don't feel comfortable discussing the details here, but it is something that I have to deal with over and over again. It is nothing that serious, just another drama life throws at you. I am hoping this is one of those things that time will fix. Everything is good now though, mostly due to Willett caring enough to help me through it.

My week, a summary.

2006-05-05T19:55:00.000+10:00

Well another weekend is here already. This week was spent being slack and getting lots done, funny how that works. I have done a chunk of work on my big project, finished my math assignment and begun the horrible life cycle analysis, but on the other hand I missed 2 days of university. I had an extremely geeky moment yesterday. I had done all but one question of my math assignment, the answer just alluded me. I had written pages of formulae, and nothing I did was heading where I needed it too. So as I sat on the grass in the great court, drinking my coffee and wondering exactly how many people make a habit of napping there, the question began to swirl in my head. It swirled and then it stopped. The anwser was there in my head. Afraid that it might run away and leave me, I grabbed a pen and some paper and started scribling madly. I had the answer. Ahhh the relief, the satisfaction of a set of numbers meaning what you want it too. I was feeling very pleased with myself. How much of my genius I need to credit to caffiene I do not know, but it was done. I then became aware that I probably made an extremely geeky picture. A student staring off into nothing, then madly grabbing some paper, writing furiously and finally finishing with a grin of satisfaction, not far removed from someone who has just enjoyed a long awaited sexual encounter. Oh well, no one seemed to notice. I think most of them were sleeping. I love the different things going on around me at university. All these busy people doing some really fun stuff. The oval I normally cut across was an artillery range for air powered cannons today. 'That', I thought, 'is cool'. I took some photos, but they are blurry and you can't make out anything so I won't bother posting. In other news Willett has a blog, his though is about a particular subject and far better written than mine. Go there if you are interested in what he is up to, or the process involved in trying to start a small business. Yes he is insane, but I knew that already, he is married to me after all. Until next time.

My littlest boy

2006-04-30T17:06:00.000+10:00

Pug's birthday was a success. I organised a few games, but the most successful was "the hunt for black Beards lost birthday treasure". I was surprised by how much more the children liked doing this compared to the other sort of games. It involved working together to find the clues and deciphering them. The final hurdle was the defeat of the Tomas beast, who bravely defended the treasure. Of course the clever children worked out that the monster had a weak spot for chocolate, which was lucky as they had some. The treasure was the "pass the parcel", parcel. It was a lot of fun, but I am wiped out now. Tomas has a friend over tonight, and they are playing well. Chicken is in the oven roasting for dinner and it is raining outside. My sister and my almost brother in law, were champions and saved us from a balloon disaster. They are now quietly resting, understandable after so many busy days. Pretty much everything feels good. I am relaxed as I have nothing I have to do, well at least until tomorrow that is.

Sleep please.

2006-04-29T19:57:00.000+10:00

Very tired. It has been a long time since I have pulled an all nighter. I know why, it just leaves me so run down. It is a pretty selfish act when you are a parent and have things to do for your children. I nearly forgot Tomas's football match today. A last minute rush and some help from my sister I got there just in time. He seemed tired and I realise that he probably didn't sleep that well, with sitting up all night chatting. The team lost this week, but I think Tomas will do better when he is more settled. Willett had the car and was meant to be helping friends move house. Of course he had to leave early to pick us up from the footy and help us get home. Not the most organised of mornings for me. Several hours were spent at Carindale, getting things ready for tomorrow. What is tomorrow? Pug's 5th birthday party. Hopefully it will be a resounding success and I will be feeling a lot more energetic tomorrow. It has been great having my sister stay with us. Really relaxed. A little of our past behaviour is still there, but over all we are getting along fine. A bit too well, as I talked and talked and talked until I thought my eyeballs would fall out of my head. Sleep is necessary. I am going to be more strict about getting to bed, because I don't want to turn into the dragon lady from lack of sleep. During the week, I got some of my assesment back. An assignment, I thought I had done well in, came back with a 50% result. I was pretty upset. I had a small crisis of confidence. Luckily my math results were given to me on Friday and they were excellent. If I can keep those marks up I could get a distinction or even a high distinction. So University is over all going well. I am looking forward to setting up childcare and stuff for next semester as I have made a few mistakes this semester which I plan to correct. I really need to make the University/ childcare/ school juggle easier on us. Take care all.

Lots of Random stuff.

2006-04-23T23:18:00.000+10:00

Does anyone else have problems with the funky letters used to prevent spam comments on blogs. Half the time I get them wrong. Am I more machine than person? I have given into reality television. Not that I ever really resisted it. The thing is I really enjoy certain types of reality television. Some of it is crap, but some of it is very entertaining. The Amazing Race, for example always sucks me in. I never plan to watch it, but should I happen to find myself on that chanel at what ever time, I am stuck there totally engrossed. Big Brother, this one is good, but is on the television way too much. They also repeat footage too often. More editing, less repetition and less generally would improve this show for me, but I will still watch it. Australian Idol. It has everthing, drama, singing, dancing, smart arse judges, what else could you ask for. The Biggest Loser. Again not perfect, but not too bad either. As to those people who make fun of all the tears, I dare them to reduce their food intake, work out at least 4 hours a day and still be a well balanced person. Now, I am watching My Restaurant Rules, purely for research purposes only. Except it is really very interesting as well. I still love my Drama and my documentaries and Lateline and Enough rope, but I do have a soft spot for reality television. Perhaps one day I will be brave enough to analyse what it is about myself that finds them interesting. Formula One is on tonight so I shall be having a late one. Tomorrow is Pug's fifth birthday. I have wrapped the presents, planned the party (for Sunday next weekend)and like always, as excited as a child on Christmas eve. A nice benefit of having kids is being able to share those moments with them. They are so young and fresh, everything is new, exciting and special. I have been missing the SCA. I think it is mainly because I miss going to festival. Festival is magic, but the SCA isn't always that magic. I travel to a cold valley in NSW, set up camp and try to hide anything that reminds me of the modern world. The kitchen has a floor of straw and walls of canvas. The nights are spent sitting around the fire, singing and listening to Groo's tales. Tomas, spends his days, fighting imaginary wars, as does Willett. I go to collegia and learn and become inspired. Good friends, really good friends, candle light, good food and the holding of ones disbelief just for a moment. Then you have the magic. Of course I have had other magical moments, festival doesn't have a mononpoly on the experience. The Woodford folk festival, can be the same.

No god?

2006-04-19T18:32:00.000+10:00

I have discovered that I am definitely not and not ever likely to be an atheist. I am a little sad about it. The thing with atheism, is that you believe there is no god. There is no proof he exists, but by the same token there is no proof that he doesn't. I cannot rule out the possibility, not totally. I cannot believe it. Which makes me wonder what do I believe? Do I believe in anything, with absolute certainty? I think I need to go back to university, as obviously my mind, left unattended, goes on wild meanderings, from which there is no end. I have done very little except ponder religion and the meaning of faith, and hardly any of the stuff I had planned, but that's ok, I am on holiday. In other meaningless ponderings, I read other peoples blogs and the subjects they talk about seem to mimic the things I am thinking about. Is it that I am just a part of a larger mind, like a hive? Is this group then defined and joined by the internet, or does the internet simply make you aware that nothing you are thinking is entirely original? Next subject to consider is belly button fluff and does it serve any function? Does the hair that grow on the belly, designed by evolution or by intelligent design, exist simply to funnel fluff into the hole, or is there some other reason for its existence? Why are there so many questions? More importantly why are there so many answers? Why can't lifes problems be like Math problems and only have one answer? More importantly, what does it say about people who like math for this very reason? Did you know that 0.99999......repeated equals 1? Here is the proof if you don't believe me.

My Sister.

2006-04-16T21:46:00.000+10:00

My sister is coming to visit. I don't mention my sister a lot in this blog. She is and I guess our relationship is a complicated story. We met when I was 7, she was of course just a newborn. I didn't like her. Firstly she was 4 years to late and she was a girl. I had wanted a brother. I could have forgiven that, except well as I remember it she was a hell cat. This could be bias talking, but as I was an exceptionally well mannered, there was no other explanation as to why she didn't do exactly as I told, except that she was a hell cat. I can see a lot of you like her already. Trust me she was evil and for some strange reason would not leave me alone. Always in my room and wanting to play and I would drag her out by her hair and complain to Mum, and then I would get in trouble. I really don't get parents, oh and she would come back for more. Luckily our parents divorced, and she went to live with our mother who while not emotionally withdrawn like our father, was a schizophrenic. So the arguments between us ended, mostly. Mental illness in a parent is a strange thing. Your parents are your world as you grow up and unless someone tells you this is not normal, you don't really know. She grew up, I grew up and we saw each other on holidays. I like to daydream, and I would imagine all these great things that we would do. Like, I would go to her school and beat up any kids that were teasing her, or we would spend a day at a theme park, just laughing and playing. The reality, was more her trying to play with me and me dragging her off by her hair. Except more metaphorically than that. I remember watching daytime movies when my Mum lived in Queanbeyan, I remember swimming in the pool at the gold coast and going to the beach and theme parks. I remember a little girl, but I didn't really know her. She liked frogs, the colour green and the number three. I just emotionally retreated when I was at Mum's house. The problem was it wasn't just Mum's house it was hers too. I don't really remember much about Mum. Strange ways and strange words, not much to remember. Still she came to stay with us sometimes, but mostly I had better things to do. The little girl grew up. One day I went to see the little girl, I didn't like what I saw. I knew what the problem was, I didn't know how to fix it. I guess none of us did. Still I took her to the big day out, it was the closest our relationship came to being what I imagined it should be. Things didn't get better they only got worse, for the little girl. I made my own family, a far less broken one. I retreated to its safety. Honestly I wanted to bring her to my family. I wasn't very good at resisting my Dad. He knew best. He didn't, because what a child needs more than a roof and food, is to be loved, unconditionally loved. Sure I would have screwed up discipline, but there would have been food, and clothes and shelter (and cat fights) and lots of love. So now she is coming to visit, I am really looking forward to it. She has an evil sense of humor and is good intelligent company. Seems I have a soft spot for hell cats.

Monogamy

2006-04-16T20:43:00.000+10:00

Well, the book has left me thoughtful. Some of the stuff it talks about is jealousy. It talks about how jealousy is a wrongness, which I agree with, but my why is different. This book promotes polygamy, which I don't think is bad, just not for me. I like monogamy. I like it because of the security it gives me, not because I want to give up loving other people, because I want Will to give up loving other people. So it is a weakness in my self that leads me to a monogamous relationship. Monogamy though can be more than just protecting yourself. Entering an agreement, that I will always be with you and no one else, as long as you do the same for me is a selfish and petty agreement. Believing that is all to monogamy is pretty a cynical point of view. So, I believed that I was monogamous, because the only person I wanted to be with is him. (and he only wanted to be with me) Which isn't quite true. I want to be with lots of people. People are wonderful, falling in love is beautiful. Sharing intimacy is great, sharing sexual intimacy can be the best. I love meeting someone new and getting to know them, it is a little like falling in love. So if it isn't because I don't find other people attractive, then is it just the security that the idea of monogamy brings? Perhaps there is another view. Perhaps being monogamous is a devotion, an act of faith. I care for you so much, that even though other wonderful people will enter my life, I will only share my very intimate self with you. I will give up something I like for you. It is nice to think of it as a choice, and as a gift. Why? Why would you do this though? Certainly not because he expects it. Others though, would. I ask him to give me the same, in fact we give more than just this freedom away. In return for this intimacy we will give up freedom of choice over many things. Nice thing is, that Will and I have never really thought to question it. Maybe occasional irks, but mostly if I had to give everything, I would, without regret. Love is such a strange thing. Have you ever noticed how cheap sex can feel when it is given too freely? Or how cheap you can feel if you give of yourself to freely? I am the one more likely to stray though. Simply because I get seduced by getting to know someone and I want to know them with depth. I think this is a bad thing though, in the long run I am just indulging my addiction. Just like eating chocolate is quite enjoyable, if you do it too much it starts to lose its magic and not only that it will make you fat. Or like when an addict describes how wonderful their choice of drug is at first, but then after awhile it loses its magic, and then you are forever trying to recreate it. Falling in love is the same, at least for me. If I kept jumping from one person to the next enjoying the part of a relationship that is just all shiny and new I would never experience the other parts and slowly that part would become cheap. Perhaps long term monogamous relationships are an acquired taste, but there is a reason they cost more personally than any other, because they are more valuable. I am sure, I already knew all this, but somehow I understand it better or with greater depth. I am surprised by how young I feel. Like a teenager sometimes and as unsure as one. There is a lovely part in the book where Jubal is describing a statue by Rodin. "

A great artist can look at an old woman, portray her exactly as she is.... and force the viewer to see the pretty girl she used to be... more than that he can make anyone with the sensitivity of an armadillo see that this lovely young girl is still alive, prisoned inside her ruined body. He can make you feel the quiet, endless tragedy there was never a girl born who ever grew older than eighteen in her heart... no matter what the merciless hours have done.

" Robert Heinlein

My Easter

2006-04-16T19:00:00.000+10:00

My Easter, included going to the beach, eating roast pork and reading. Ahhh reading for fun. How I miss having time to indulge in a good book. I read "Stranger in a Strange Land" by Robert Heinlein. It is classic science fiction, but I can't say I am a huge fan. Like a lot of science fiction it indulges in philosophy and religion. It is hard not to, when you speculate what the future might hold. It seems naive to think that the meaning of life will be revealed when we encounter alien intelligent life, that will give us new perspective. Which this book seems to imply. Actually I don't mind this sort of thing in my science fiction, it just that this book tends to preach an ideology, rather than just pose a theory. In fact it seemed to preach more than tell a story, which of course never works. I think the bible has more story line. This book gets a bit flimsy at times. To me it isn't anywhere near as enjoyable as an Asimov story, or as good at contemplating the unknown. It had some redeeming points. A very good description of alien view point, it did not try to appease our human natures and be something we can strongly indentify with. It was indeed a unique view. Also the first half of the book was very strong, with us learning about this Martian amongst us, and he learning about us. It just went down hill in the second part when Mike became all spiritual. It is important to note that I read this book in 2006, when it was originally written in 1961. Once seen as original and courageous, now seems similar and bland. Of course, I hold that good science fiction will stand this test of time. Perhaps I do not grok the fullness of the book yet.

My self important spouting of shit.

2006-04-11T17:05:00.000+10:00

Idealists are meant to be naive. Lefties and greenies are trouble makers or well educated upper middle class elites. There is a lot of truth to stereo types and I guess these two are no exception. I guess I really don't like either of these two because it is how I am often perceived. Not that I break these stereo types radically, but I certainly don't fit within the boundaries neatly. I am not naive. I am an optimist, I am an idealist. I believe in striving to make things better, but I also believe that a wise person knows the difference between what they can change and what they can't. That doesn't mean you give up on your ideals though. It means you pick your fights. I am middle class, but I am not well educated, unless the definition of well educated is a year 12 certificate. I guess the definition of well educated could be widen, to those who educate themselves via the "school of life", but isn't that the domain of realists and business people? I am not a trouble maker, well not a big trouble maker. I think you can choose to violently oppose the official and unofficial systems in place, or you can learn to use them. It is less work to go with the flow. Still some people see straight through me, they know I am only using the system to change that same system. It has become too unpopular to be politically correct. The thing with being politically correct is that I think it is the same as walking in their shoes for a moment. Looking at things from their perspective. Are the unemployed slackers, or people with out skills and perhaps other underlying problems such as depression? Are Blacks drunks? Or are they a people who know no other way of life? Sure these things are just generalisations. I hate generalisations. Some unemployed people are probably just slackers, but I don't think you should label them all as slackers. I think my main gripe with generalisations, is that it is illogical and the domain of people unable to grasp wider concepts. Just because one or even every unemployed person you meet is a slacker does not mean that they will all be. Assumptions can be very useful, but they are a simplification. For example Take the series : 2, 4, 8, 16 We would expect the next number to be 32. We are making an assumption here though that a ={ 2^n} When it is just as likely to be 56 or even 31. They are more complex patterns, but just as valid. intuitively we look for patterns in life, in the people around us, but people are not simple, they complex, more complex than mathematical formula. So while I can accept a statement given by person that says, "every unemployed person I have met is a slacker." I cannot accept the statement "every unemployed person is a slacker." Simply because it doesn't make sense, logically.

Update.

2006-04-09T16:12:00.000+10:00

Wednesday: Feeling stressed about Graphics assignment, it is a lot more work than it should be. Saw my tutor about our PIP (Project Implementation Plan). Thursday: University, late night course on advanced excel. Hurt my head trying to think about some of the concepts. Finished the PIP for my project team. Friday: Took tomas to University as he was feeling unwell, finished my assignment. Had friends over on Friday night. Suburban hen and her man. Lovely evening had. Saturday: Slept in. Revised for my Electrical foundations test on Wednesday. Went for a drive around the hot spots of Brisbane. Aurelius told us he will probably be moving out next weekend. Details not yet confirmed. Today: Slept in, spent several hours on a Maths test that is only meant to take 2. I still have 3 unanswered or not quite complete questions. I wish it was just a regular test, then I would be over done with and I could move onto to my excel assignment due on Thursday and not yet begun. Next week I have the pleasure of bringing both my boys to university as they will be on holidays. I won't be on holidays until when they start to go back to school. Stupid holidays.

My Saturday.

2006-04-01T19:50:00.000+10:00

Tomas had his first game today. It was great fun. A relaxed afternooon spent across the road, watching my son learn his way. He really did get the hang quite fast. Of course he still has a long way to go, to be anything like some of the stars in his team. My goodness some of these children are amazing. The thing is, he was comparing himself to the type of kids who play in his team, but these aren't average footy players. These are the kids who have been playing since they were three. The kids in the opposing team are like him, of course Tomas's team ate them for breakfast. The best bit was that not only did Tomas actually get a hold of the ball occasionally he learnt by the end of the game what he then needed to do with it. He is very fast and tall. Once he starts to catch up on the actual skills level he is going to be a very solid little player. Especially when training with some of these other kids. The rest of the day has been spent, watching the formula one qualifier and Lions vs Cats game, folding the washing, having a nap, finishing my math assignment and my Eng1000 journal. I am not sure why the Lions bothered turning up, they really had problems kicking straight. The formula qualifiers are very exciting now, I really like the new setup. Mark Weber (The boy from Queanbeyan) had the second fast lap for awhile there, leaving us sitting on the edge of our seats. Finally though Jensen Button came through and just obliterated everyone's time. I love weekends that feel like this. Relaxed and fun, but you still manage to get some stuff done. My face has stopped hurting, and the cause was identified. It is my wisdom teeth trying to cut through. They are coming down straight, but apparently there is a bit of jaw bone in the way. No wonder my wisdom teeth keep going up and down. They should break through on their own eventually, but if the pain gets to bad, or I get another infection I can get them removed. Wishing everyone an excellent weekend and good teeth.

Rolling stones and moss and stuff.

2006-03-29T08:03:00.000+10:00

There is this project I know about, it is called Crossroads, and it is a project to build a medieval village among other things. It is a pretty big idea and a very cool concept. I have just had one of those relevatory moments. You see this project hadn't done much for many years, some people outside of the project speculated that they lacked direction or that they had no idea what they were doing. Perhaps a little bit of both is true. What I really think is the reason why things didn't really start to happen is based on this theory. Big ideas have inertia. When you try to get a big idea off the ground, you need to over come this inertia. You can work at it very hard or if you are lucky you might be able to use money to help leverage it. Big ideas are like big rocks, boulders, or in Bono's case like Uluru. Most of us are happy throwing our little rocks as far as we can. Often we boast, hey did you see how far I threw that one? Little rocks, that you don't need other people or a lot of money to move. I have chosen my little rock it was the biggest one I thought I could handle on my own. All I need to do is put the time in. Crossroads is a pretty big idea and didn't have a lot of capital. The people involved kept pushing, but not much was happening. An opportunity arose to make some money, from the project, that money was then wisely spent in developing that money making aspect and people started to join the co-operative. Every year Crossroads gets bigger and better. The naysayers, say yeah but they couldn't do it on their own, they needed help. Of course they needed help, that is why it is a co-operative, people need to work at it. The more people the easier it is. The more people the more money they have. At its inception, the people designed for it to work like this. It is a good idea, well organised and not directionless. It just had a lot of inertia to overcome. Now that it is moving it has momentum. People can be positive and think about how great this idea is going to be or they can continue to doubt it and its organisers and put hurdles in its way. Why would you want to though? The idea is designed to be ecologically friendly, and shared with everybody, even the naysayers. Perhaps because when it is successful, or even now when it is starting bring good things to others, those people will appreciate the people who dared to think big. A lot of respect, consideration, and perhaps with that a bit of power will be given to these people. Why is that a problem?

I am a Stalker, and nosey too.

2006-03-26T20:29:00.000+10:00

I am stalking someone and in more than the usual, blog stalker definition. She is someone I have a connection with in real life, but not someone I know anything about. I feel a bit naughty reading her blog, but now I am addicted. She is everything I wish I could have been at 18. The parallels between us are scary more so because of how she is connected to me. (Except she is a bloody tory) You see she is someone who was sort of involved with my younger brother. (Sort of in the way that nothing really happened, but enough for her to get emotionally hurt.) I really like my brother, he is very good company and very intelligent. He is easy to get along with and well he is my brother. She though is intriguing and happens to go to the same university as me. I would love to get to know her better, but I don't know if I should. I mean how does this sort of relationship start? "You don't know me, but my brother dumped you via a text message." Gah, it would have been better if I hadn't gone to the blog. I knew I shouldn't have. My brother has never mentioned her to me and if he wanted me to know he would have told me. He has a girl friend at the moment, but I can't help wondering if his current girl is half as interesting as Kristen. Too think, I came so very close to getting to know her in a real way.

Jason Jive and the Low Town Five.

2006-03-26T15:44:00.000+10:00

Willett had his band rehearsal today. They sounded great, the addition of a sax player and keyboardist gave the band the musical lift it needed. The band really suffered from the lack of those bright highlights that brass can add, and what gives soul its distinctive sound. They didn't sound bad before, but they didn't sound just right. Today they sounded spot on. The band seems to have gotten some momentum now and everyone is feeling enthusiastic. Of course what will really decide the longevity of the band is how they cope when the momentum slows down. That is when you have to find motivation within yourself. I think though this band will be a successful one, although the definition of successful is broad term. It won't have been a waste of time or money though.

Friday......

2006-03-25T19:17:00.000+10:00

I guess it was one of those days, where it would have been better to stay in bed. It was the conclusion of a week that left me stressed and emotionally wrought. Not that anything exciting happened during the week. I had been feeling off colour, although that cold that was threatening seemed to have receded to a dull ear ache, but I was starting to wonder if I had gone to far to the side of dedicating myself to my study. Worse yet, even though my life was solely focused on my study I wasn't confident that I was keeping up. I had a chat to another mature age student in my course, she is lovely and I think we will become firm friends. She gave me some good advice. Really what difference is it if I take a year longer to finish the course? Do I really want to finish in 4 years and wonder who these young people living with me are? So I was considering dropping one of my subjects. It has always been an option, but not one that I was terribly keen on. I guess, I figured that I could invest as much time in to study as I do work and still be available for my children. I discussed it with Willett. He was pretty supportive of the idea, but it wasn't until later that (Thursday) night that I started feeling pressured. All he did was offer to do more around the house, but I am already carrying all this stress, perhaps he should have done this extra stuff already. I am not sure if he really can do anymore than he is, unless he gave up work. Stress about assignments, stress about my team project, stress about doing a lot of revision, stress about catching up missed work due to sick children. Stress!!! I felt angry and guilty. I want to do this and I don't logically think that giving up one subject for one semester is giving up on my entire degree, but a part of me feels like I am. A sensitive vulnerable part that was hurt by the insinuation that I would be able to cope if Willett just did a little bit more house work. He already does more than his share, but I think I am entitled to be more than a university student. I could put more time into study, but then I really wouldn't have any time left for anything else. I don't even think it is a matter of time, but possibly a matter of dealing with the stress. Four courses just seems like a lot to keep track of. Everyday each one competes with the other for priority, not leaving anytime for me to prioritise anything else. So, I stayed up late, trying to get my head around some code and make sure I was up to date on of my other work and ignoring the pain in my ear. Thinking I will do this, I will do a full load, no bloody ear ache and stress is going to stop me. I woke up 6am Friday morning with my jaw feeling stiff, my ear aching, my throat sore and my glands swollen. I made the lunches and got the children ready, Willett slept in, more reason for me to stay angry at him. I asked him to take Pug, and then I decided he wouldn't be able to because he was already running late. Willett then slept for another 20 minutes about the time it takes to get Pug to childcare via the ferry. Storm clouds were gathering. I left at 7.20 am, took Tomas to school and then spent the next 30minutes traversing about 1 km. Eventually I got Pug to childcare about 30minutes before my lecture was due to begin. Its ok, I tell myself, I will miss the start that's all. I do not hate Willett, I just feel sick and stressed. Then a very nice person decided to rear end me. Gah!! What sort of day is this. He really was nice, we exchanged contact details. He kept apologising and promising to pay for the damage. I cut him short, my lecture had already begun, at this rate I would be lucky to make my tutorial. It's no big deal, I tell myself, I will go to university catch the end of my lecture go to my other tutorials/lectures, go to the doctor and then go to bed. I ring Willett, I explain what happened. He isn't angry but he doesn't have much time to talk, he agrees to organise a doctors appointment for me, not remembering that I had asked him this morning already. He wasn't rude, but I feel rejected and incredibly alone. In tears, I go to my first lecture. I had parked in my usual spot just outside the university a few minutes walk away. The rest of the day goes ok, except my ear is starting to really hurt. I get an SMS from Willett, no doctor available today. I go to the health clinic on campus, they also do not have any appointments for today. I realise I have to go the weekend with this god awful pain. I am hot and suddenly the walk to the car seems like a marathon. I get a bit lost and take a break under a tree. I am crying again. I ring Willett, he has time now and we chat and he makes me laugh, even when the bird poops on me. Stupid bird!! My spirits lift and I don't feel so bad. I manage to find my way back to the car and get home without incident. I think I will drop a course. Census date is next week ,so I can without any penalty. Next semester I will enroll in 4 courses, and if I find myself turning into a blubbering mess I will drop a course. It really is the only practical thing to do. The car has a small dent, but we are comprehensively insured so it should be fine. I hope it isn't off the road for long. The right side of my face is now swollen, I look like I have the mumps, except I had them as a child. Parts of my face now feel all pins and neddlely. I am going to the doctor Monday after my day at university. Stupid sore ear!

My waffling.

2006-03-19T18:33:00.000+10:00

I finished my first real assignment. I have had a few things to hand in, but they weren't an assignments as such. So today was my first assignment finished and completed on time. It is a small affirmation that some of the things I did wrong last time, I am not doing this time. I am not making the same mistakes. I admit, it has taken over my life. Everytime I do something, from the washing up to playing with my kids, a part of me is aware of or thinking about my degree in some way. I even find myself grabbing a text book when I have planned to take it easy and not do anything for a bit. I have disturbing dreams about code and schematics. Oh well, I just don't do things by halves. We had Berenice over for dinner last night, it was a pleasant evening although I was feeling anti-social because a cold was starting to take hold. I am feeling a bit better now, but I have been dosing myself pretty heavily with the zinc, echinacea, vitamin c and garlic. "Ease a cold" is death to cold in a tablet. I recommend it to everyone. Berenice is Aurelius's unrequited love or something. Aurelius lives with us in the dungeon downstairs. Berenice is an interesting person, but not an easy person to get along with. On some things we have wildly different view points. On others though, we can see eye to eye. In the end we had a good night, filled with a bit of debate, but still good. Aurelius likes her a lot. I can see why. They do match each other quite well. What I can't understand is why she is so afraid of beginning a relationship with him. I think that they would both be good for each other. Berenice has a lot of these rules that she has set for herself. Some of them are sensible, others though I think she could be more flexible on. I have a feeling that Aurelius doesn't meet her criteria for a man, because of these rules. These imaginary boundaries. She is not the only one to do it. Sporty spice used to do the same thing. A really nice guy who was a friend of her friends wanted to get to know her. They had a lot in common and they were both attracted to each other, but she said "no" because she has this rule that from now on she was only going to date mature men. The rule came from being burnt by a young man, so therefore all young men are out of the question. It is isn't logical. This sort of reasoning is how stereo types are perpetuated and at the worst extreme prejudice. Rules based on this sort of logic are flawed. Certainly, be more wary of someone who seems to be similar to the person who hurt you, but at least make a final judgment on who they actually are and not close yourself off from an opportunity because it looks, on the surface, like last time. When it comes to emotions it isn't that hard to hold back until you get to know them a little. Usually one date is enough to confirm your suspicions, or prove you wrong.

General waffle

2006-03-17T21:46:00.000+10:00

Sometimes I think the baby boomers has been a very spoilt generation. I don't mean that any baby boomer as an individual is spoilt, but that society has pandered to them and sometimes that has not been for the long term benefit of the country. When I was young I was told, that when I grow up the world would be my oyster. I kept waiting for that to happen. For as the bible puts it, the children will inherit the earth. That kind of assumes that the current generation gets old and moves on. Babyboomers haven't done that. I have finally realised that I don't get an oyster. I get to go fishing, but of course all the oysters are being used still by the baby boomers. It is expected of course, that they would have a lot of power. At the moment we live in a society where one age group hold a lot more power over the others, because there are just so many of them and they have a lot in common. Companies want their custom and politicians want their votes. Which gives them economical and political power. They are our parents, which of course gives them a huge amount of social power as well. The problem now is that they are all retiring. They don't want to work anymore and well they want to retire. Fair enough they have done their bit, except one thing, they forgot to train the next generation. For years we had this big balloon of middle aged skilled workers. There was no need for companies to invest money in training the young people or even employing them as there were always more people of this baby boom generation. They would out compete any young people or old people. They had some experience, but weren't so old they were going to keel over. The had training and qualifications, which basically meant they were going to in general beat out the competition. Now we have a skills shortage. Interesting that we have a skills shortage in a time when my age group enters the 30's. The age group that had to start paying for some of their university education, the age group that entered a highly competitive workforce during a recession. There were no jobs and training was expensive. Things are a lot better now, with the skills shortage. There is now economical pressure to train people and therefore people are getting trained. I think that television programming and advertising is like a litmus test of who has the most economical power out there. I like it when I find TV programming changing to suit the preferences of the generations Xer's, it seems to me like it is heralding the change of the guard. That finally now that we are in our 30's we will start to inherit the earth. Of course lets not forget the generations that went before us. Especially not the baby boomers, because in the end they are only handing over the reins because they have tired of them, not because they can't drive any more. Which I don't mind because as an adult I still feel like I am on my learners. Still, I am eager to get my independence and drive on my own.

Willett.......

2006-03-16T23:02:00.000+10:00

is not dieing. His CAT scan came back clear. His headaches are just due to him thinking to hard and over heating it. He will need to upgrade his cooling system or reduce the work load.

My Student Life.

2006-03-16T22:08:00.000+10:00

I am starting to feel like a university student. This is because the campus is starting to feel familiar. I feel reasonably comfortable wandering around and finding places. I admit there is a whole section of the university I don't visit, but that's what made me realise I must be getting comfortable, because I know my area. The science/math/engineer area. The other bit must belong to other faculties. At some point I will get to know that bit, but only as a passerby. I will never really get to know it in depth. I had to take Pug to uni yesterday as he was unwell. It was actually a lot of fun. I showed him all the wildlife that inhabits the area. There were of course the lizards and Pug was suitably impressed with their size. Then there are the geese, turtles, ibis and ducks. We even saw 3 ducklings right up close. The animals there are so very comfortable around people, we could get really close without mummy duck getting in the least bit upset. I also took him to lectures and tutorials, he told me he wasn't bored but he didn't know what they were saying and he can't read yet. He is very sensible. As I was in the refectory this afternoon, grabbing something to eat and trying to finish some reading, a turkey was wandering around inside. I am not sure if this is normal, as it is really the first time I have spent any significant amount of time there. He/she seemed very comfortable and did a reasonable job of cleaning up all the scraps of food. Talk about cheap labour! It was just another interesting moment in a day full of interesting moments. I learnt about one of the projects that the engineering school is currently working on. It was basically about getting shuttles into space for a lot less money. I thought it was really cool. I also started my team project today, where we need to find a real life solution to a power supply problem for a remote mine in the NT. Lots of big picture thinking and being asked to consider more than presented. People who encourage questions and are not threatened by intelligent thought. I was so happy! All I need to do is stay on top of everything and as long as Pug and Tomas don't get sick too often, I should be alright. I am also pleased to say that even at university I feel like a bright spark. It might be because I have more experience than the younger undergrads, but still I am grasping most of the ideas pretty fast. I would say faster than most, but really how can you tell with hundreds of other students? Life is good. I am a bit too tired to blog very often, but otherwise everything seems to be going well. Well that's enough bragging.

Random stuff.

2006-03-10T22:53:00.000+10:00

My programming course is hurting my head. Math is good, Electrical foundations is still just revision and Engineering foundations is still just fluffing around. I gave myself the night off, and discovered a sad variety of shows that currently count for entertainment. Not feeling in the mood to fight my 4 year old over what we watch, I left him with the viewing pleasure, that is Friday night games and started typing one of my assignments. I have only one unanswered question left, but we are yet to cover that material. I have a bond inspection this coming week, but all I want to do is build a fort around my computer desk made from text books and finish all the assesment due the same week. Unfortunatley I do not think that will impress my real estate agents who would be happier knowing I am still working, not a full time student. In other news we have our new car. It is not red. It is a long story, but basically we couldn't wait and they had a blue one available now. The car is nice even if it is blue. Willett had a cat scan today, as he has been feeling unwell for a long time now. Headachey and stuff. I hope they work out what is wrong and fix it. My final thought is that software engineers have an amazing ability to learn new programming languages and all its little nuances, but cannot grasp some of the basics of the english language. It is a strange contradiction. Oh well I have finished making my husband think I pocess strange powers to mutate numbers into other numbers and I am going to bed.

My Personality

2006-03-07T17:10:00.000+10:00

I did a personality test today. Its the kind that determines how much Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholy or Phlegmatic you are. The last time I did a personality test I was 17. It was the same sort of test. Last time I came out highly sanguine. Absolutely no surprises there. What me, Miss life of the party, doesn't know what day it is but always knew where to find her friends. My time was spent riding from one persons house to another, chatting, dancing, laughing, watching movies, eating pizza etc. What school? Oh yeah that was the place with all the cute boys. Yeah now I remember. Skip back another 2 years, Miss Popularity, was the nerdy, insecure, unpopular type. Skip back to now, here I am doing this personality test and finding my results have swung from Sanguine to Choleric/Melancholy. Strange, but I don't think I have changed on a fundamental level. I have changed the way I do things though. I was the same person at 15 and 17 and now at 33, I have learnt a lot more, but I am still the same. You see Sanguine, was fun, lots of fun, but it wasn't getting me where I wanted to be. Unless I really enjoyed being unemployed and unskilled. So I started to do things differently, just like I did when I was 17 and changed from Melancholy to Sanguine. In my opinion, we all have these personalities inside of us, what people see though is the one we have decided to give the reins at that moment. So at parties I will let my Sanguine lose, at study my melancholy can go wild, on long walks Phelgmatic is in charge and when I being Mum, Choleric gets a work out.

My quandry.

2006-03-06T16:33:00.000+10:00

Willett is in Sydney again. Arghhhh. Actually its not too bad because one night isn't that long, but its long enough to remind me just how much I enjoy being with him. I have a quiet evening planned, of doing study and hanging with the boys. We spent the afternoon at the park. I love just letting them run lose. They climb things and get dirty. They take risks, I like that. Talking about risks, Willett is thinking about doing a course. A course in Aeronautical mechanics. This is something Willett has always dreamed of doing. I saw the advert in the paper on Sunday, the same day our money came through. We have an opportunity at the moment with the sale of the house to be able to possibly afford the tuition fees. The course though takes a year, which would leave us income less for a year. If we don't buy our new car, we might be able to live on a tight budget. At least we should be able to get Austudy. Actually we wouldn't get Austudy because both of us have already earnt enough in the last 6 months to disqualify us this finacial year. The whole idea makes me feel sick. Which I then feel guilty about because, I believe Willett is just as entitled to chase his dream as I am. Last time he pursued this dream, it derailed my dream. Last time he tried to do it through the army. We were aware of the possible financial pressure, so I agreed to go to partime study and work full time. I hated my first job, my second job was good. My study suffered and eventually we separated, because I don't like being alone. We saved our marriage, but I gave up trying to study. It wasn't just the army though. There was the pressure on me to work and make ends meet. I really don't want to go back there. Everytime I see a new shiny car I feel sick. I want a new car, but I want Willett to do this course, I really do. My decision is to not think about it. I have already made a promise to be selfish about this study thing, I will be doing it, even if it means we starve and I give up driving all together. Stupid advert.

My week

2006-03-04T21:07:00.000+10:00

Yesterday, we became debt free. Well at least in principle. Our house sale was settled. We now have the money for our car and a new washing machine. A few other bits and bods and then the rest gets invested. I am also already neck deep in reading and even some small assignments for university. The nice thing is I am very focused on trying to get it all done. It has been cold and wet lately. It is has been kinda fun, rugging up and walking in the rain. I am annoyed that my clothes aren't getting dry, but soon I shall have the magical device that not only washes buy drys my clothes. Still the rain is nice. Tomas went to his first footy practice on Thursday. It was raining quite heavy but all the boys were very keen. So I stood there under an umbrella while he chased a bit pig skin around in the mud. I don't think he could have been happier. On the way home he talked about how the other boys wouldn't pass to him. He wasn't to worried or upset, he was the new guy and they just didn't know him. He really doesn't think he is going to get any better. He is a tough critic, his kicking isn't strong enough, according to him. I tell him it is all about attitude. If you love something then putting the time in to be good isn't a chore, it is a passion and practice can make up for a lot difference in natural ability. Of course there will be those that have natural ability and passion. I don't think he has a lack of either actually. I think he just hasn't been exposed to it enough. Some of those boys have been playing since they were 3 years old. I think I have made the right decision in waiting to let Tomas decide whether this is his thing. I know he isn't as good as the other boys, but I also know he has the potential to be better, if he wants. I am not ashamed of having faith in my children, in believing that they can do anything, because if you as a parent can't believe that of them, then who will? Cold rainy days, long walks between university buildings, trying not to get lost. Muddy ovals and children yelling. Pug telling me how the ferries work and being philosophical about getting wet. Willett worrying about money and being taken away from us to Sydney all to often. That was my week.

My thought for today.

2006-03-01T22:53:00.000+10:00

Have you ever noticed that people including myself, seek to spend more time on things that are considered recreation. I think we do this to give ourselves mental space, give ourselves an opportunity to relax and to have some self indulgent fun. We need recreation is today's society because everyday living is stressful and isolating. We need our inward thinking time to give us balance. Imagine though just for a minute what people could achieve if just one half of that inward time was invested in outward thinking. Using some of that time to change society. To change the way we live. Perhaps we wouldn't need to separate our time so much into recreational time and work time, because we would already have our balance. A list of things that I have spent far too much time on: Playing computer games: net result I had some fun and my typing improved. Watching TV: net result I felt relaxed and occasionally I learnt something. The SCA: net results, I learnt to sew and some medieval history. I had fun and I made friends. Doing nothing, staying at home and sleeping and just day dreaming (being depressed): Net result failed university first time round, lost a job, lost self respect. None of these things have really added to my long term goals, but they have not been a complete waste. I should do these things, but I should not live to do these things. They should be incidental. I guess it is just a matter of finding something you love and doing that as your job. How many people have that sort of luxury though?

My adventure.

2006-02-27T19:20:00.000+10:00

I am reading a self help book. A really old self help book, but I find it easy to read. It is one of those think positive type of books, normally I would describe myself as positive, but certainly my attitude has become far more negative. These sorts of books can be hard to swallow at times, especially when they are written by Americans. That extremely confident, loud over the top style doesn't really work in the Australian Culture. Confidence though does not mean you have to be loud, over the top or the centre of attention. Confidence can be quiet and serene. I am not quiet or serene. I am trying to prove myself. Not to anyone in particular, but definitely to myself. I am confident though, with some things. I am confident in my ability to make my marriage work. I am confident in my ability to raise my children. I am confident in my ability to analyse my fears and plan ways to cope with them when they crop up. I am confident I have the ability to complete my degree. I am confident in my ability to see the big picture. I am confident that I can follow a logical discussion and debate a point articulately. On the other hand: I am not confident that I am a good friend or an easy person to get along with. I am not sure if this bothers me though. I am not confident that my memory is that good any more. I am not confident that I am sexy and attractive. I am not confident of reverse parking. If I ever find the time, and I don't have something more worthwhile to be doing, I might try to fix this. I am not confident that I am funny. Again I am not sure if this really bothers me. So I am not a comedian, who cares? I am not confident that fear, or finacial problems, emotional problems or health problems will not derail me from completing my degree. I am not confident that attitude is more important than intelligence or popularity anymore. I mention fear in both lists. I once read the self help book "feel the fear and do it anyway". It mentions how fear stops us from doing things we want to do. Sometimes that fear is sensible. I would love to free fall from the top of a cliff, but to do so would probably kill me. So fear is useful, in some circumstances. It stops us doing things we shouldn't attempt. Fear can also motivate us to do something. Fear of having to go back to another dead end job like my last one, motivates me to try to educate myself. Fear of being fat, ugly and unable to play with my future grandchildren motivates me to eat well and exercise regularly. In fact the more I think about it, I find fear motivates me to do a lot of things. Fear of not passing my course motivates me to work hard. Fear can also prevent us from doing stuff we want to achieve. This is the fear I have mostly learnt to conquer. Most of my victories are small, but it doesn't matter, how small they appear to others, they are my victories. Today I met a lizard, a bearded dragon, I believe. He was minding his own business and relaxing in the sun on the path. The path I was traveling along, the path that was between a lake and a building, the path I had to pretty much take. He was a big lizard, not enormous but big. He took up over a third of the path, close to half. I had two options, find another way round or walk past him. Logic kicked in, although he didn't look like he was very comfortable sharing his path and he looked like he could take a nasty swipe out of my leg , he probably wouldn't. Had he not after all, chosen this path to sun on. This is a busy path, he is probably fairly used to people walking past him, otherwise he wouldn't come here. So I strode past him. Confident and relaxed or so I thought. It was not until I had moved past him that the adrenalin kicked in. I was afraid of the bearded dragon. At first I berated myself, gah, afraid of a stupid lizard. Thinking back, I realise, I may have been afraid, but I did not let it stop me. Interestingly enough, I later on the same path, I passed a lot of lizards. Some of them just as big, as my fear had passed I wanted to test myself. I found myself walking up to these other lizards seeing just how close I could go. I was tempted to try to touch one, but fear and common sense kicked in. Ok, not terribly exciting stuff. On the way home, I was listening to the stories of some Australian adventurer. sorry I missed his name. I always like these stories, but I never quite get the people who do these things, they seem to have no fear. This person though did have fear. He feared things that I didn't find that frightening. He still did all these amazing things. I found myself wanting to find other tests. How many of my fears can I conquer. Not because I want to do something they are stopping me from doing, but just so I can say I beat that fear. Fear.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." Frank Herbert, Dune.

Of course I could have quoted one of the self help books, but that really isn't my style, I am after all a nerd at heart.

My new template

2006-02-26T15:03:00.000+10:00

After being inspired by Aurelius, I have decided to change my template. Of course then I spent hours agonising over what sort of template I should use. Then of course I had to tweak the code a little. Luckily html is a very forgiving code and although there are probably better ways of doing things I have made it work. If I was really clever I would really change this layout, but mostly I like the feeling it conveys. That is what is important here, not necessarily the practicality. I also love the scroll bar things. Anyway, I guess the readers are the people who have to put up with it, so any feedback is welcome.

My praise of something excellent

2006-02-25T19:01:00.000+10:00

I believe when people excel at something they should be recognised. Even when that something is as small as capturing images of your children them the way you see them. A person who is married to a friend of Willett's is a photographer, Barb Uil. I have always been a fan of her work. Recently she has just gone professional. Her amateur work makes some professional work look like crap. Most professional photographers produce mass produced same as everyone else photos, her photos are art. They are personal and beautiful. From the Jinky Art website.

Portrait Sessions. (Real Moments with the little people in your life.....) My aim is to work with you to produce an artistic and truthful collection of story telling portraits that tickle you pink in years to come. The kind of photographs that remind you of the special smile just for mum or the way little Sarah's toes curl when she's feeling shy. I adore documenting children as they are today and putting on film all emotion that comes with being little. I aim to capture honest human connection in everything I do.

If you like art or love children, do yourself a favour and have a look at her work. Some of my favourites: http://blog.jinkyart.com.au/001685.php http://blog.jinkyart.com.au/001682.php http://blog.jinkyart.com.au/001672.php http://blog.jinkyart.com.au/001657.php

My bad hair day

2006-02-25T16:59:00.000+10:00

Sleeping for several hours during the day doesn't help. My hair though has been unmanageable since I awoke. I would do something about it, but the power is actually on right now and I better make the most of it. This is not really what I wanted to post about, but it does set the mood. Today I shall be whinging. Why is it now that I live in one of the major cities of this country, my power supply has become as unreliable as a person living off a diesel generator. Perhaps I should move back to the large country town I used to live in, where they actually know how to provide solid infrastructure. Sure the power would go out, but not nearly as often. When the power did go off, you could almost guarantee it would be back on before you managed to get the candles, the matches and light the bloody things. Not here, nope. Power goes off and it will stay off indefinitely. Thing is people think this is normal, no biggie. I wonder what they would think if they lived for any significant time, in any other city. The badly maintained infrastructure in this city, is my pet gripe. It is something they are trying to work on. The problem is they can't keep up with the level of growth in the region. Eventually they will have stretched the existing resources so thin that things will collapse. Hang on a sec, that has already happened with both power and health. Geebus, do they have any public servants in this place? You know the ones who ignore the politics and make sure stuff gets done. Stupid state, too much political power is held in the regional seats. I can whinge as much as I like, but I should face facts. For every three people in the metropolitan areas kept happy, only one needs to be placated in a regional area. (that's not a real statistic, I made it up, but I know that is how politics work in principle round here.) I should move to one of the regional areas, they probably have a stable power supply, cable rolled out to all the properties and shops that are open on Sunday. Of course, I should point out that I choose to move here and I am part of the population growth problem. Still the brochures said southerners welcome, the more you whinge the happier we are. (Again this isn't true, there aren't any brochures, but if there were they would be expanding on how great it is to live here, which by the way it is, but not more than many other places.) MMMM Sunday shopping, oh how I miss you. God, anyone would think I was a pom with all the whinging I do.

My day of doing nothing.

2006-02-24T16:53:00.000+10:00

Well, that pretty much sums it up. :)

My bridge.

2006-02-23T18:29:00.000+10:00

Ok, it wasn't quite my bridge, but I did help make it. Yes, I made a bridge from paddle pop sticks, string and polystyrene cups. It was awesome. It supported the weight easily and even survived a drop test, something a few of the other projects didn't. Including ones that beat ours. We won our heat. We were beaten in the next round. The problem is, I don't think the ones that beat ours where very good or better than ours. Firstly, a few people cheated. Stole extra materials to complete their project. Secondly, a few of the projects that supposedly beat us ignored some of the basic premises. Thirdly, the ideas weren't particularly clever or inspiring. I was a little disappointed. The rest of my team was very disappointed. Most of them took away the message to do what ever to win, even if it means ignoring the design specifications. I wasn't to bothered, confident that in the reality that cutting corners and breaking laws will inevitably bite you in real life. I also knew we worked well as a team and had produced a strong product. My self esteem received a boost and I got a feel for the sort of problems that would be put to me. I had a blast. I wish the others in my team had seen it the same way. Still, if I am going to obsess about something, let it be the merits of different bridge designs and not the crap about personalities at work.

My renewed love affair.

2006-02-22T17:26:00.000+10:00

Even though I am significantly older than alot of my peers, I am not a techno-phobe. My time today was spent learning how to get the best out of the University's computer network. The thing is amazing. I can save my work to the University's servers at uni and at home, I can access reams of data and a heap of online learning. I wish all this stuff was around 15 years ago when I first tried to complete a degree. Technology will be making University a lot easier for me this time around. So while most of students aren't that interested, nothing new to them (although, a few didn't seem able to grasp the concepts) I was drinking it all. What they were telling me was going to make a big difference this time round. I already have a love affair with the internet, I believe that it has just got deeper. Yay for technology.

2 days in a row.

2006-02-21T20:48:00.000+10:00

What can I say? Another good day at university. I actually learnt stuff and was given some more insight on how to do this university thing. I don't mean the go to the refectory and drink beer thing, but the actual how to do the work I will be given. None of it was revelationary and a lot of it was stuff I already knew, but it helped to have it repeated again and again. The blog may suffer with the onset of university. Which is fine. If I find I am blogging instead of working I may need to kill the whole thing, but I will see how things go.

My god, I'm old.

2006-02-20T19:06:00.000+10:00

The University that I attend has a good vibe. I went to 2 hour presentation on my course this morning and a tour of the library. The presentation was covering stuff that was all in the welcome pack. I wasn't bored though. It was a great opportunity to look at the people around me. They were young and good looking. They were all to cool to admit to have ever done any homework and where more interested in where to buy the cheap bear than where to buy cheap books, but I didn't feel to out of place. That was until I went on the library tour. Micro film is an old technology, I know that, but I didn't think that it had become so old that it was like a museum piece. "Wow, would you look at that", "so how does it work?" and "they used to use these". Were some of the interested reactions. I felt old, really old. I remember when my high school introduced these to the library and how they were the next big thing in library cataloguing. None of these students even knew what one looked like let alone how one worked. At first I thought, it was funny that they were amazed by something as common as a micro film viewer. My second thought was to realise how much older I am than these people. Still the day was great. I had a long chat about politics and sexism. These young people were cool. I now have my first radical political badge. It says "If men became pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament." I plan to have a few more badges before Willett gets home tomorrow. I want to look like a proper university student. I probably won't ever wear them again, but it is cool to do things that you missed out on the first time round. I was home by 3.00pm, with plenty of time to do some housework, go shopping and take the kids to the park for a bit of footy. As I sat exhausted on the park bench watching my children's boundless energy, I made a new friend. She is from South Africa and she has a very cute 2 year old son. Tomas was being extremely sweet, helping this toddler find his way around the play ground. Asking nicely if he wanted help and showing him how to do things. The toddler took it all in, rapt in the 10 year olds attention. His mother was impressed by Tomas and is like me, looking to make friends. I had a nice chat. It was easy and open. That is actually pretty lucky, considering I was still wearing that badge. All in all it was a good day. One of the best in a long time.

My politics.

2006-02-19T14:42:00.000+10:00

The AWB scandal is a very dry subject and I wish it could grab the interest of the public in a more direct way. Here is quick a link to well written opinion on the subject. It is also a good site for political discussion. I wanted to address an opinion on this matter that I have heard said on the radio and also in the forum part of the above website. I am concerned that this opinion may be quite a popular opinion. The opinion I think is well summed up by Wre on the same site. "I'm not saying that two wrongs make a right but the bottom line is that in some countries and under some regimes, cultural relativism and necessity mean that the term 'bribery' is not recognised-nepotism, donations and kick backs fill the void. Australian companies would not and could not compete in any other way." This may well be true, but if this is the case then in my opinion the right thing to do is to not do what needs to be done and break the laws of your nation to achieve a business goal. If the choices are; Pay these kickbacks and support suicide bombers and gain an amazing opportunity for the wheat industry in Australia. Or Don't pay them a let our wheat industry suffer, It is choice the Australian people get to make through their government. I don't like the fact that it has been decided for us and our country is now embroiled in this ugly corrupt situation. Of course I am sure the people at the AWB could see the writing on the wall. There was no way any government would go to the effort to change the laws and regulations so that we (as a country) could pay Suddam Hussein kick backs. They wouldn't back it as it would be political suicide. (edit: they wouldn't back it publicly, it does seem very likely they were happy to back it in an unofficial capacity though.) So the bigger picture comes into play. At what point does the means justify the ends? Does providing the Iraqi people with wheat (which they would probably have gotten else where) and more realistically getting the financial benefits for our wheat industry justify paying these kick backs? I think the majority of Australians would say no, and so did the AWB. We live in this great country, but their are processes and laws and constitutions that we have to respect, which make this place great. If you ignore these things the place stops being great, it becomes corrupt and frightening. I guess, I am saying that we should have just given up on the Iraqi wheat market if it means we have to compromise something so fundamental. I am sure economic realists are groaning out loud, at me, right now.

My blog.

2006-02-19T02:49:00.000+10:00

My blog is just like every other diary or journal I have ever kept. A self indulgent piece of drivel. The assumption is always that someone is interested in hearing about me and what I think. I am almost always to embarrassed to read them later on. Not all blogs are like this, but I am not surprised mine is. That is why I called its address is javairasfolly. Still I always write journals and keep diaries at different points in my life. So I will continue with this one until I have said all I need to say. A folly, but it is mine. I am not an intentionally cruel person. That is not to say I can't be cruel, but it isn't intentional. When I am angry or impatient and frustrated I might lash out with something cruel. When I am thoughtless, or unaware of certain information I can be accidentally cruel. I suffer from foot in mouth syndrome. I don't want to hurt people I never have. I am not sure if this is for some underlying need to be seen as a nice person or if it is just the way I am. Either way I don't see a need to change it. I don't like being cruel or dishonest, sometimes these two conflict. Being kind is easier than being honest. It is good to be both. Why do I bother? The crap I spout especially at 3am. Pointless really. I think about other issues, really I do. I have some grand hypothesis about the internet giving customers and voters a voice in this world where nothing gets heard. I like online polls about political issues. Why do I feel the need to define myself here? Have I lost myself so much that I need to remind myself. Once upon a time, who I thought I was and what people thought of me were very close to each other. Now I feel like they just don't see me. I am not sure what they do see, but it isn't me. Poor Javaira, she is misunderstood. How will she ever cope? Lets hope nothing really bad ever happens to her. Or perhaps that is the problem, I don't have any real drama so I have to turn everything else into one. Insomnia is cruel, but that is not to say there couldn't be worse things like cancer. I said to someone with cancer(yes the girl at work) about some horrible treatment that involves a drip in your foot. "Is that like a really big splinter?" No one found it funny, not even me. Stupid foot anyone have a glass of water I can wash it down with? Alright, I found it a tad amusing. Now I need lots of people to tell me how that isn't really terrible. Even though we all know it is. that's why I blog, that whole getting feedback being told that I am not the only one out there to feel like that. I reckon quite a few people blog for that reason, otherwise why put it on the internet? Not everyone, some peoples blogs are just about keeping friends and family informed on what is going on in a general sense, or about a certain subject. My blog is all about me. Of course how do you deal with the negative feedback, because eventually you will get some? That means people not liking me. Oh well. We call this the Siamese cat stage. Although now I think back to it, shouldn't it be a long haired cat. Maybe it was the Burmese cat stage, but it was changed when I was told the story. Have you ever played a role playing game, not the sexual ones. Lots of fun, playing characters and overcoming obstacles, basically being part of a story a character in it. So as you play your game late at night you mind starts to not function quite as well as it should. At this point in one game a friend of ours relates the story of how they formulated a crazy plan that involved generating static electricity with a cat. Gah that's it, Persian cat stage. Anyway when you know you are spouting shit because you are tired you have indeed reached it. I would like to congratulate anyone who may have read this far. I am not going to, it is shit. Good night.

I am going to Hell....

2006-02-19T00:07:00.000+10:00

I lied to my Mother in law. She is a nice person, she doesn't deserve lies. She asked me how I liked The Producers and I said "it was good". The only concession I made to my true feeling was that I said "I didn't find it hysterical". She replied "yeah its more of a chuckle". But to me it wasn't even that. I didn't find it funny. I didn't hate the film, it had something about it that kept me wanting to watch, I am not sure what it was though. Overall I wouldn't recommend it though, because a comedy that isn't funny doesn't have much going for it. So now I am going to hell, because I lied to a nice woman, who wouldn't have been upset that I didn't like the film. She would be upset that I felt I needed to lie to her about it, but the thing is, she recommended it to me. I didn't want to let her know how bad I thought her recommendation was. She really liked the movie. I am a coward at times. I don't like making people feel uncomfortable or bad. Sometimes I tell lies or at least obfuscate the truth. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I will tell it like it is, I guess it depends on the situation and what is at stake. I am happy to compromise myself when it comes to movie reviews, but in other things I won't. I have inherited a laptop from the in laws so the night was worthwhile. This laptop has a mysterious electrical problem, not enough for it not to work just a strange thing it does when it is on and plugged in to the wall (on mains power not battery). It is driving me a bit nuts. I understand a little but not enough. I know very little about PCs as well. People think if you know electronics you will be able to fix computers, but electronics are used in lots of different ways. My area will be telecommunications not computers, but I do hope my ability to diagnose problems with PCs will improve. I remember now what kept me watching the Producers. I think it was Uma Thurman, more specifically it was her breasts. She was hypnotic in the film.

Tomas and the football.

2006-02-17T23:00:00.000+10:00

Tomas at his 10th birthday, opening his brand new football. I am surprisingly excited about him starting footy this year.

My Last Day.

2006-02-17T17:33:00.000+10:00

It was my last day at work today. Nothing very special happened. I still feel like a receptionist. I wonder when I will start feeling like a university student. My father sent my an article on how graduate engineers aren't getting work as they have to compete with experienced migrants. Not the most motivating piece of information. I guess I will have to aim to do well. I can't help feeling a little like I am not really going to make it and at the same time certain I can. Tired and grumpy is how I feel. I was expecting to feel elated today. Strange.

Doing the right thing.

2006-02-16T19:15:00.000+10:00

Sometimes what you think is right and what everyone else around you thinks is right are different things. At times like this you begin to doubt your inner compass. Sometimes doing what you think is right may cost you something personally. For me the cost was my reputation and friendship. I am proud now, at the end of the day I am happy with what I have done. Today the lady with cancer came into work. Two of her friends, one of them my friend, went to talk to her, find out how she was. Well actually they went to sell her the idea that she was to sick and messed up to be at work. At least that's how I saw it. Until then, she had arrived we said hello and we were working. She was fine, a little uncomfortable, but mostly fine. After they went to her, she started to get upset. They were being condescending and telling her what was best for her and how she obviously wasn't ok to be at work if she was getting upset that easily. Of course what she was upset about was that she thought nobody wanted her at work and that her job had been taken away from her with out her consent. I stewed a little in the room adjacent. Bugger it, I thought what do I have to lose, I only have 2 days left in the place and perhaps I can make one positive change. I interrupted and told them what I think. All except the girl with cancer was very angry at me. Apparently it was none of my business, and they were right, it wasn't my business. She was being screwed over by people who wouldn't admit to themselves that they weren't doing what was right for her, but what was right for them. They were personally invested in her not being there. I wasn't personally invested, it wasn't my business, but I had some perspective and thought she could use the help. The 2 girls were angry at me for most of the morning. The new girl felt sick and had to go home. I went to tell the executive director, about her going home sick. He must have known something was up and asked a few probing questions. I decided he should also know what I think. So as unbiased as I could be I told him how I saw it. I think he realised that the Fete Co-ordinator lady had stuffed up. He also said he felt he needed to back her up. I understood that, I wish she would do the same for him. At the end of the day the lady with cancer spoke to our boss. He told her what she needed to hear. He told her that she had a full time position with them as long as she wanted one. She was happy. The others had made their peace with her at lunch, I was the bad one, the nosey parker, the trouble maker and she was just a little confused. The pieces fell together and I was happy. I don't belong in that picture, so if they need to make into the bad guy it is ok. I did the right thing.

Jar Head

2006-02-16T18:45:00.000+10:00

I went to see Jar Head on valentines day. I know, not a very romantic movie. It is a good movie, but it isn't an enjoyable experience, at least not for me. The whole time I was just feeling sick and sad. It portrays the ugly side to the American military. There is no glorious moments to save them from the situation(first war in Iraq) and from themselves. It is interesting because it is based on a true experiences and the movie feels truthful. It has a good pace and enough of a story line to carry it along. The acting is good, if not great, and it doesn't finish with a hollywood flourish. Something it benefits from. One scene I found particularly sad was when they were watching Apocalypse Now. They really didn't get it. To them it was glorious and cool. Twisted minds. The movie resonated with me. I often find my mind drifting back to parts of the movie going over bits. My only fear is that no matter how well made the movie is, it is still a movie about Americans at war and how bad the war was for Americans. While it touched lightly on the topics of the rights and wrongs of being there and the impact they had on the Iraqies, I think it could have been a little more politcal. I guess the movie wasn't about that. I am afraid that like Apocalypse Now, there are people who will see this movie and they won't feel sick. They will find it cool.

Sporty Spice versus Fete Co-ordinator Lady.

2006-02-15T19:15:00.000+10:00

At work we have one of those really assertive beautiful young women in charge of PR. Sporty Spice. I like Sporty Spice because she is no nonsense type of person and you know where you stand with her. She is young, very career minded and at times incredibly selfish, yet in other ways very generous. Like all facinating people, she is a mixture of so many conflicting ideas you wonder how a person gets to be like that. She works out a lot and it is her hobby to keep fit and eat well. She is very knowlegdeable in this area. She has some issues with relationships though, she doesn't fit most peoples pigeon holes very well, so guys never understand how to take her. She can also screw up alot of potential relationships with all these imaginery rules she decides to give herself. She was crying at work today. We were the only two people left. We had a very long chat. I was surprised that she was that unhappy with the place. I mean I expected her to be leaving, she is the sort of person who is driven to find bigger and better things, but I thought it was ambition making her leave not unhappiness. It seems our female admin manager, is the problem for her. I found out today how this manager got this job. She used to be one of these parents that invests a heap of time into the P & C etc at her childrens school. She was often the fete co-ordinator and apparently a good fete co-ordinator. One of our councilors children went to the same school as her children and noticed how well she did running the fete. He asked her to apply for the job. (Fete co-ordinator Lady is higher up the school social chain than tuckshop lady, so you can see why they thought she was up to the job.) Of course fete co-ordination = great people management skills. Or perhaps not. Indeed the woman uses guilt and emotional black mail to motivate her staff. Exactly what you need to do to get people to invest more time their children's school fetes, not quite the right thing to do for people who are paid to be there. She also has an incredible knack of making you feel like everyone else is talking about you behind your back. Which is very rarely the case. "Javaira you must be more careful when you make your suggestions, you have too remember that someone else used to do that job. They do not appreciate being told that it is broken, just think of their feelings." or " People have mentioned you are very bossy." No people haven't mentioned it and people don't give a shit about how I do the job now I have it. They are just happy that steaming pile of shit isn't their problem any more. What is really happening Fete co-ordinator is that you don't like me telling you stuff is broken, because you should have done something about it. You think I am bossy because I don't take directions given to me in the 3rd person. For instance. Javaira enters open office ready with phone message as is her job, waits for eye contact and says "Fete Co-ordinator lady so and so is on the phone for you" Fete Co-ordinator to lady next to her" You would think she could say excuse me, its much more polite don't you think." Javaira in her head. Must answer phone as it is ringing again, is she going to take the call? Why doesn't she just ask me to say "excuse me" if she wants me to do that? Although my favourite, is when Fete Co-ordinator lady say to the room in general as she passes through to her favourite gossip buddies room, "Could someone do what ever the fuck she has forgotten to do herself?" Javaira looks up from her work and wonders. "Was she talking to me, or the other girls?" Never the less Fete Co-ordinator lady is a kind soul and an awesome gossip buddy, but a terrible boss. A terrible boss who probably holds a little bit of a grudge for young beautiful ambitious women who aren't planning on making the get married to an arsehole, spit out two children, get divorced and find yourself in fete co-ordination trap. Sporty Spice, she might bring you to tears, but in 10 years time, you will find her sitting in the same office having the same problems and you will have a high flying career. Just remember to give yourself time for real relationships. (If anyone noticed that I talked about myself in the 3rd person, I am allowed to, as I am not in the room right now. So ner!)

My new place.

2006-02-14T19:33:00.000+10:00

Today was hot and balmy. My skin was sticky and I was supposed to be all neat and tidy for work. It is annoying, but I don't really care. I don't think I will ever be the sort of person who has immaculate grooming. I can spend hours primping and grooming, brushing and waxing, plucking and accessorising, and 10 minutes later I will look like a bomb hit me. My hair is growing long again. I had it cut really short. I loved it, but I don't want to be spending money on hair cuts while I am a student. So I gave up trying to make my hair look tidy and smooth. My new style is more of a shaggy dog look. I think it suits me better. Tonight I had indian for dinner. I love the indian food from this place, best yet was the short stroll I took with Willett to go get it. I really love this area. It isn't ever going to replace my home town, but this place is cool. This place isn't where I was raised or where my memories are, but it is a place that I choose for myself and I really like what I have chosen. There is a cinema across the road and a fish and chip shop is across from it. The football field is right next to the cinema and bit further down the road is the Indian reataurant. I am walking distance from this great cafe area, with loads of character and there are loads of public transport options. I could go on. Basically it is a beautiful area, established, cosmopolitan, green and interesting. Dinner was great and later we are going to see a movie. Nothing feels familiar, but it does feel good. Sometimes a little scarey, but mostly just different.

Spend money and prove you love them?

2006-02-13T18:16:00.000+10:00

Its valentines day tomorrow. I have learnt to give the day very little credence. While it is lovely to have happy romantic moments and to have the opportunity to stop and appreciate your relationship with that special someone, it does not have to happen on February the 14th. If it does happen, all well and good. If it doesn't happen then no harm as long as you do take the time to do those things at some point. We do. Nearly every day I get reminded how much he loves me or how beautiful I am. We still go out together and spoil each other. I don't need hallmark to dictate when we get romantic. Tuesday is unlikely to be a good day for being romantic. I certainly don't want to be paying the inflated prices for flowers and chocolates on that particular day when any other day will do just as well. Still, I think I might do something for him, he has been very good to me of late. The support he has given me throughout this process of going back to university has been enormous. It makes me realise I am blessed. Of course showing someone you love them, can be difficult when they are pretty much opposed to flowers, because they are better left on the plant and he is trying to cut out junk food such as chocolate. Ahh well I am sure I can think of something.

Tomas's Birthday Party.

2006-02-12T17:10:00.000+10:00

Due to technical issues I have been offline for awhile. Not that I had much time or inclination to post. Tomas's birthday was a success! Well mostly. I think we will be finding lollies in the garden for weeks to come. This is due to Tomas being extremely good at hitting the pinjata, causing the lollies to go everywhere. I was a little bit let down though. I am not sure if it is the age or just the children don't know me that well, but I found them to be a bit rude. I like the kids to have fun, but when you are talking to a friends Mum, they (I) don't want to hear about your balls. Back home, the kids knew me and knew I didn't put up with certain stuff, but these guys seemed to think it was ok to be rude or try to sabotage the other children's fun (like not joining in or teasing the fat guy). Children these days, no respect. Gee I am getting old. :| I don't think I will be having another kids party at home for Tomas. Which is fine as he is starting to get to old for them. I think some of my problem is that I am feeling off colour. I refuse to actually get sick, but have been having headaches on and off for a few days now. So I didn't relax and enjoy the day as much as I could have. I over catered, by a lot. I was expecting more children and parents, but a lot of people didn't come. I think I built the day up too much for myself. Pug though thought the day was fantastic and wants a repeat performance for his birthday. I think it will work better for 5 year olds. I can manage to do another one for him. The best part of the day was finding that Lucretzia is pregnant again. I am very happy for her. I am a little sad for myself, because right now I have the time and desire to contribute to another small persons life, without having one of my own. She though is back home, while I am here and it isn't a quick trip. Still I will try to make a journey down once the baby is born. Babies smell soooo good and they bring so much hope to the world. Every person in every community should contribute to the children's lives around them. Not just because it is good for the child, but because it is so incredibly rewarding. Perhaps that is what was missing from the birthday party was my own satisfaction in a job well done. That feeling, that the kids had a great time, but I am not sure they did, I think I was just a little to worn out and they a little too jaded. Anyway today I painted models and slept and slept and drew a picture. I have drawn a stylized picture of Lucretzia. It has been awhile since I have drawn anything, I am not a great artist, but I really like doing it. So I am feeling very content and good about myself. One more week of work and then O week begins at uni.