Rolling stones and moss and stuff.

There is this project I know about, it is called Crossroads, and it is a project to build a medieval village among other things. It is a pretty big idea and a very cool concept. I have just had one of those relevatory moments. You see this project hadn't done much for many years, some people outside of the project speculated that they lacked direction or that they had no idea what they were doing. Perhaps a little bit of both is true. What I really think is the reason why things didn't really start to happen is based on this theory. Big ideas have inertia. When you try to get a big idea off the ground, you need to over come this inertia. You can work at it very hard or if you are lucky you might be able to use money to help leverage it. Big ideas are like big rocks, boulders, or in Bono's case like Uluru. Most of us are happy throwing our little rocks as far as we can. Often we boast, hey did you see how far I threw that one? Little rocks, that you don't need other people or a lot of money to move. I have chosen my little rock it was the biggest one I thought I could handle on my own. All I need to do is put the time in. Crossroads is a pretty big idea and didn't have a lot of capital. The people involved kept pushing, but not much was happening. An opportunity arose to make some money, from the project, that money was then wisely spent in developing that money making aspect and people started to join the co-operative. Every year Crossroads gets bigger and better. The naysayers, say yeah but they couldn't do it on their own, they needed help. Of course they needed help, that is why it is a co-operative, people need to work at it. The more people the easier it is. The more people the more money they have. At its inception, the people designed for it to work like this. It is a good idea, well organised and not directionless. It just had a lot of inertia to overcome. Now that it is moving it has momentum. People can be positive and think about how great this idea is going to be or they can continue to doubt it and its organisers and put hurdles in its way. Why would you want to though? The idea is designed to be ecologically friendly, and shared with everybody, even the naysayers. Perhaps because when it is successful, or even now when it is starting bring good things to others, those people will appreciate the people who dared to think big. A lot of respect, consideration, and perhaps with that a bit of power will be given to these people. Why is that a problem?

I am a Stalker, and nosey too.

I am stalking someone and in more than the usual, blog stalker definition. She is someone I have a connection with in real life, but not someone I know anything about. I feel a bit naughty reading her blog, but now I am addicted. She is everything I wish I could have been at 18. The parallels between us are scary more so because of how she is connected to me. (Except she is a bloody tory) You see she is someone who was sort of involved with my younger brother. (Sort of in the way that nothing really happened, but enough for her to get emotionally hurt.) I really like my brother, he is very good company and very intelligent. He is easy to get along with and well he is my brother. She though is intriguing and happens to go to the same university as me. I would love to get to know her better, but I don't know if I should. I mean how does this sort of relationship start? "You don't know me, but my brother dumped you via a text message." Gah, it would have been better if I hadn't gone to the blog. I knew I shouldn't have. My brother has never mentioned her to me and if he wanted me to know he would have told me. He has a girl friend at the moment, but I can't help wondering if his current girl is half as interesting as Kristen. Too think, I came so very close to getting to know her in a real way.

Jason Jive and the Low Town Five.

Willett had his band rehearsal today. They sounded great, the addition of a sax player and keyboardist gave the band the musical lift it needed. The band really suffered from the lack of those bright highlights that brass can add, and what gives soul its distinctive sound. They didn't sound bad before, but they didn't sound just right. Today they sounded spot on. The band seems to have gotten some momentum now and everyone is feeling enthusiastic. Of course what will really decide the longevity of the band is how they cope when the momentum slows down. That is when you have to find motivation within yourself. I think though this band will be a successful one, although the definition of successful is broad term. It won't have been a waste of time or money though.

Friday......

I guess it was one of those days, where it would have been better to stay in bed. It was the conclusion of a week that left me stressed and emotionally wrought. Not that anything exciting happened during the week. I had been feeling off colour, although that cold that was threatening seemed to have receded to a dull ear ache, but I was starting to wonder if I had gone to far to the side of dedicating myself to my study. Worse yet, even though my life was solely focused on my study I wasn't confident that I was keeping up. I had a chat to another mature age student in my course, she is lovely and I think we will become firm friends. She gave me some good advice. Really what difference is it if I take a year longer to finish the course? Do I really want to finish in 4 years and wonder who these young people living with me are? So I was considering dropping one of my subjects. It has always been an option, but not one that I was terribly keen on. I guess, I figured that I could invest as much time in to study as I do work and still be available for my children. I discussed it with Willett. He was pretty supportive of the idea, but it wasn't until later that (Thursday) night that I started feeling pressured. All he did was offer to do more around the house, but I am already carrying all this stress, perhaps he should have done this extra stuff already. I am not sure if he really can do anymore than he is, unless he gave up work. Stress about assignments, stress about my team project, stress about doing a lot of revision, stress about catching up missed work due to sick children. Stress!!! I felt angry and guilty. I want to do this and I don't logically think that giving up one subject for one semester is giving up on my entire degree, but a part of me feels like I am. A sensitive vulnerable part that was hurt by the insinuation that I would be able to cope if Willett just did a little bit more house work. He already does more than his share, but I think I am entitled to be more than a university student. I could put more time into study, but then I really wouldn't have any time left for anything else. I don't even think it is a matter of time, but possibly a matter of dealing with the stress. Four courses just seems like a lot to keep track of. Everyday each one competes with the other for priority, not leaving anytime for me to prioritise anything else. So, I stayed up late, trying to get my head around some code and make sure I was up to date on of my other work and ignoring the pain in my ear. Thinking I will do this, I will do a full load, no bloody ear ache and stress is going to stop me. I woke up 6am Friday morning with my jaw feeling stiff, my ear aching, my throat sore and my glands swollen. I made the lunches and got the children ready, Willett slept in, more reason for me to stay angry at him. I asked him to take Pug, and then I decided he wouldn't be able to because he was already running late. Willett then slept for another 20 minutes about the time it takes to get Pug to childcare via the ferry. Storm clouds were gathering. I left at 7.20 am, took Tomas to school and then spent the next 30minutes traversing about 1 km. Eventually I got Pug to childcare about 30minutes before my lecture was due to begin. Its ok, I tell myself, I will miss the start that's all. I do not hate Willett, I just feel sick and stressed. Then a very nice person decided to rear end me. Gah!! What sort of day is this. He really was nice, we exchanged contact details. He kept apologising and promising to pay for the damage. I cut him short, my lecture had already begun, at this rate I would be lucky to make my tutorial. It's no big deal, I tell myself, I will go to university catch the end of my lecture go to my other tutorials/lectures, go to the doctor and then go to bed. I ring Willett, I explain what happened. He isn't angry but he doesn't have much time to talk, he agrees to organise a doctors appointment for me, not remembering that I had asked him this morning already. He wasn't rude, but I feel rejected and incredibly alone. In tears, I go to my first lecture. I had parked in my usual spot just outside the university a few minutes walk away. The rest of the day goes ok, except my ear is starting to really hurt. I get an SMS from Willett, no doctor available today. I go to the health clinic on campus, they also do not have any appointments for today. I realise I have to go the weekend with this god awful pain. I am hot and suddenly the walk to the car seems like a marathon. I get a bit lost and take a break under a tree. I am crying again. I ring Willett, he has time now and we chat and he makes me laugh, even when the bird poops on me. Stupid bird!! My spirits lift and I don't feel so bad. I manage to find my way back to the car and get home without incident. I think I will drop a course. Census date is next week ,so I can without any penalty. Next semester I will enroll in 4 courses, and if I find myself turning into a blubbering mess I will drop a course. It really is the only practical thing to do. The car has a small dent, but we are comprehensively insured so it should be fine. I hope it isn't off the road for long. The right side of my face is now swollen, I look like I have the mumps, except I had them as a child. Parts of my face now feel all pins and neddlely. I am going to the doctor Monday after my day at university. Stupid sore ear!

My waffling.

I finished my first real assignment. I have had a few things to hand in, but they weren't an assignments as such. So today was my first assignment finished and completed on time. It is a small affirmation that some of the things I did wrong last time, I am not doing this time. I am not making the same mistakes. I admit, it has taken over my life. Everytime I do something, from the washing up to playing with my kids, a part of me is aware of or thinking about my degree in some way. I even find myself grabbing a text book when I have planned to take it easy and not do anything for a bit. I have disturbing dreams about code and schematics. Oh well, I just don't do things by halves. We had Berenice over for dinner last night, it was a pleasant evening although I was feeling anti-social because a cold was starting to take hold. I am feeling a bit better now, but I have been dosing myself pretty heavily with the zinc, echinacea, vitamin c and garlic. "Ease a cold" is death to cold in a tablet. I recommend it to everyone. Berenice is Aurelius's unrequited love or something. Aurelius lives with us in the dungeon downstairs. Berenice is an interesting person, but not an easy person to get along with. On some things we have wildly different view points. On others though, we can see eye to eye. In the end we had a good night, filled with a bit of debate, but still good. Aurelius likes her a lot. I can see why. They do match each other quite well. What I can't understand is why she is so afraid of beginning a relationship with him. I think that they would both be good for each other. Berenice has a lot of these rules that she has set for herself. Some of them are sensible, others though I think she could be more flexible on. I have a feeling that Aurelius doesn't meet her criteria for a man, because of these rules. These imaginary boundaries. She is not the only one to do it. Sporty spice used to do the same thing. A really nice guy who was a friend of her friends wanted to get to know her. They had a lot in common and they were both attracted to each other, but she said "no" because she has this rule that from now on she was only going to date mature men. The rule came from being burnt by a young man, so therefore all young men are out of the question. It is isn't logical. This sort of reasoning is how stereo types are perpetuated and at the worst extreme prejudice. Rules based on this sort of logic are flawed. Certainly, be more wary of someone who seems to be similar to the person who hurt you, but at least make a final judgment on who they actually are and not close yourself off from an opportunity because it looks, on the surface, like last time. When it comes to emotions it isn't that hard to hold back until you get to know them a little. Usually one date is enough to confirm your suspicions, or prove you wrong.

General waffle

Sometimes I think the baby boomers has been a very spoilt generation. I don't mean that any baby boomer as an individual is spoilt, but that society has pandered to them and sometimes that has not been for the long term benefit of the country. When I was young I was told, that when I grow up the world would be my oyster. I kept waiting for that to happen. For as the bible puts it, the children will inherit the earth. That kind of assumes that the current generation gets old and moves on. Babyboomers haven't done that. I have finally realised that I don't get an oyster. I get to go fishing, but of course all the oysters are being used still by the baby boomers. It is expected of course, that they would have a lot of power. At the moment we live in a society where one age group hold a lot more power over the others, because there are just so many of them and they have a lot in common. Companies want their custom and politicians want their votes. Which gives them economical and political power. They are our parents, which of course gives them a huge amount of social power as well. The problem now is that they are all retiring. They don't want to work anymore and well they want to retire. Fair enough they have done their bit, except one thing, they forgot to train the next generation. For years we had this big balloon of middle aged skilled workers. There was no need for companies to invest money in training the young people or even employing them as there were always more people of this baby boom generation. They would out compete any young people or old people. They had some experience, but weren't so old they were going to keel over. The had training and qualifications, which basically meant they were going to in general beat out the competition. Now we have a skills shortage. Interesting that we have a skills shortage in a time when my age group enters the 30's. The age group that had to start paying for some of their university education, the age group that entered a highly competitive workforce during a recession. There were no jobs and training was expensive. Things are a lot better now, with the skills shortage. There is now economical pressure to train people and therefore people are getting trained. I think that television programming and advertising is like a litmus test of who has the most economical power out there. I like it when I find TV programming changing to suit the preferences of the generations Xer's, it seems to me like it is heralding the change of the guard. That finally now that we are in our 30's we will start to inherit the earth. Of course lets not forget the generations that went before us. Especially not the baby boomers, because in the end they are only handing over the reins because they have tired of them, not because they can't drive any more. Which I don't mind because as an adult I still feel like I am on my learners. Still, I am eager to get my independence and drive on my own.

Willett.......

is not dieing. His CAT scan came back clear. His headaches are just due to him thinking to hard and over heating it. He will need to upgrade his cooling system or reduce the work load.

My Student Life.

I am starting to feel like a university student. This is because the campus is starting to feel familiar. I feel reasonably comfortable wandering around and finding places. I admit there is a whole section of the university I don't visit, but that's what made me realise I must be getting comfortable, because I know my area. The science/math/engineer area. The other bit must belong to other faculties. At some point I will get to know that bit, but only as a passerby. I will never really get to know it in depth. I had to take Pug to uni yesterday as he was unwell. It was actually a lot of fun. I showed him all the wildlife that inhabits the area. There were of course the lizards and Pug was suitably impressed with their size. Then there are the geese, turtles, ibis and ducks. We even saw 3 ducklings right up close. The animals there are so very comfortable around people, we could get really close without mummy duck getting in the least bit upset. I also took him to lectures and tutorials, he told me he wasn't bored but he didn't know what they were saying and he can't read yet. He is very sensible. As I was in the refectory this afternoon, grabbing something to eat and trying to finish some reading, a turkey was wandering around inside. I am not sure if this is normal, as it is really the first time I have spent any significant amount of time there. He/she seemed very comfortable and did a reasonable job of cleaning up all the scraps of food. Talk about cheap labour! It was just another interesting moment in a day full of interesting moments. I learnt about one of the projects that the engineering school is currently working on. It was basically about getting shuttles into space for a lot less money. I thought it was really cool. I also started my team project today, where we need to find a real life solution to a power supply problem for a remote mine in the NT. Lots of big picture thinking and being asked to consider more than presented. People who encourage questions and are not threatened by intelligent thought. I was so happy! All I need to do is stay on top of everything and as long as Pug and Tomas don't get sick too often, I should be alright. I am also pleased to say that even at university I feel like a bright spark. It might be because I have more experience than the younger undergrads, but still I am grasping most of the ideas pretty fast. I would say faster than most, but really how can you tell with hundreds of other students? Life is good. I am a bit too tired to blog very often, but otherwise everything seems to be going well. Well that's enough bragging.

Random stuff.

My programming course is hurting my head. Math is good, Electrical foundations is still just revision and Engineering foundations is still just fluffing around. I gave myself the night off, and discovered a sad variety of shows that currently count for entertainment. Not feeling in the mood to fight my 4 year old over what we watch, I left him with the viewing pleasure, that is Friday night games and started typing one of my assignments. I have only one unanswered question left, but we are yet to cover that material. I have a bond inspection this coming week, but all I want to do is build a fort around my computer desk made from text books and finish all the assesment due the same week. Unfortunatley I do not think that will impress my real estate agents who would be happier knowing I am still working, not a full time student. In other news we have our new car. It is not red. It is a long story, but basically we couldn't wait and they had a blue one available now. The car is nice even if it is blue. Willett had a cat scan today, as he has been feeling unwell for a long time now. Headachey and stuff. I hope they work out what is wrong and fix it. My final thought is that software engineers have an amazing ability to learn new programming languages and all its little nuances, but cannot grasp some of the basics of the english language. It is a strange contradiction. Oh well I have finished making my husband think I pocess strange powers to mutate numbers into other numbers and I am going to bed.

My Personality

I did a personality test today. Its the kind that determines how much Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholy or Phlegmatic you are. The last time I did a personality test I was 17. It was the same sort of test. Last time I came out highly sanguine. Absolutely no surprises there. What me, Miss life of the party, doesn't know what day it is but always knew where to find her friends. My time was spent riding from one persons house to another, chatting, dancing, laughing, watching movies, eating pizza etc. What school? Oh yeah that was the place with all the cute boys. Yeah now I remember. Skip back another 2 years, Miss Popularity, was the nerdy, insecure, unpopular type. Skip back to now, here I am doing this personality test and finding my results have swung from Sanguine to Choleric/Melancholy. Strange, but I don't think I have changed on a fundamental level. I have changed the way I do things though. I was the same person at 15 and 17 and now at 33, I have learnt a lot more, but I am still the same. You see Sanguine, was fun, lots of fun, but it wasn't getting me where I wanted to be. Unless I really enjoyed being unemployed and unskilled. So I started to do things differently, just like I did when I was 17 and changed from Melancholy to Sanguine. In my opinion, we all have these personalities inside of us, what people see though is the one we have decided to give the reins at that moment. So at parties I will let my Sanguine lose, at study my melancholy can go wild, on long walks Phelgmatic is in charge and when I being Mum, Choleric gets a work out.

My quandry.

Willett is in Sydney again. Arghhhh. Actually its not too bad because one night isn't that long, but its long enough to remind me just how much I enjoy being with him. I have a quiet evening planned, of doing study and hanging with the boys. We spent the afternoon at the park. I love just letting them run lose. They climb things and get dirty. They take risks, I like that. Talking about risks, Willett is thinking about doing a course. A course in Aeronautical mechanics. This is something Willett has always dreamed of doing. I saw the advert in the paper on Sunday, the same day our money came through. We have an opportunity at the moment with the sale of the house to be able to possibly afford the tuition fees. The course though takes a year, which would leave us income less for a year. If we don't buy our new car, we might be able to live on a tight budget. At least we should be able to get Austudy. Actually we wouldn't get Austudy because both of us have already earnt enough in the last 6 months to disqualify us this finacial year. The whole idea makes me feel sick. Which I then feel guilty about because, I believe Willett is just as entitled to chase his dream as I am. Last time he pursued this dream, it derailed my dream. Last time he tried to do it through the army. We were aware of the possible financial pressure, so I agreed to go to partime study and work full time. I hated my first job, my second job was good. My study suffered and eventually we separated, because I don't like being alone. We saved our marriage, but I gave up trying to study. It wasn't just the army though. There was the pressure on me to work and make ends meet. I really don't want to go back there. Everytime I see a new shiny car I feel sick. I want a new car, but I want Willett to do this course, I really do. My decision is to not think about it. I have already made a promise to be selfish about this study thing, I will be doing it, even if it means we starve and I give up driving all together. Stupid advert.

My week

Yesterday, we became debt free. Well at least in principle. Our house sale was settled. We now have the money for our car and a new washing machine. A few other bits and bods and then the rest gets invested. I am also already neck deep in reading and even some small assignments for university. The nice thing is I am very focused on trying to get it all done. It has been cold and wet lately. It is has been kinda fun, rugging up and walking in the rain. I am annoyed that my clothes aren't getting dry, but soon I shall have the magical device that not only washes buy drys my clothes. Still the rain is nice. Tomas went to his first footy practice on Thursday. It was raining quite heavy but all the boys were very keen. So I stood there under an umbrella while he chased a bit pig skin around in the mud. I don't think he could have been happier. On the way home he talked about how the other boys wouldn't pass to him. He wasn't to worried or upset, he was the new guy and they just didn't know him. He really doesn't think he is going to get any better. He is a tough critic, his kicking isn't strong enough, according to him. I tell him it is all about attitude. If you love something then putting the time in to be good isn't a chore, it is a passion and practice can make up for a lot difference in natural ability. Of course there will be those that have natural ability and passion. I don't think he has a lack of either actually. I think he just hasn't been exposed to it enough. Some of those boys have been playing since they were 3 years old. I think I have made the right decision in waiting to let Tomas decide whether this is his thing. I know he isn't as good as the other boys, but I also know he has the potential to be better, if he wants. I am not ashamed of having faith in my children, in believing that they can do anything, because if you as a parent can't believe that of them, then who will? Cold rainy days, long walks between university buildings, trying not to get lost. Muddy ovals and children yelling. Pug telling me how the ferries work and being philosophical about getting wet. Willett worrying about money and being taken away from us to Sydney all to often. That was my week.

My thought for today.

Have you ever noticed that people including myself, seek to spend more time on things that are considered recreation. I think we do this to give ourselves mental space, give ourselves an opportunity to relax and to have some self indulgent fun. We need recreation is today's society because everyday living is stressful and isolating. We need our inward thinking time to give us balance. Imagine though just for a minute what people could achieve if just one half of that inward time was invested in outward thinking. Using some of that time to change society. To change the way we live. Perhaps we wouldn't need to separate our time so much into recreational time and work time, because we would already have our balance. A list of things that I have spent far too much time on: Playing computer games: net result I had some fun and my typing improved. Watching TV: net result I felt relaxed and occasionally I learnt something. The SCA: net results, I learnt to sew and some medieval history. I had fun and I made friends. Doing nothing, staying at home and sleeping and just day dreaming (being depressed): Net result failed university first time round, lost a job, lost self respect. None of these things have really added to my long term goals, but they have not been a complete waste. I should do these things, but I should not live to do these things. They should be incidental. I guess it is just a matter of finding something you love and doing that as your job. How many people have that sort of luxury though?